Bicyclists Are So Fucking Dedicated To Getting In Everyone’s Way That They’re Even Bicycling Up The Goddamn Stairs Now

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[Shanghaiist] A Polish cyclist set a new world record for the most steps scaled on a bicycle when he pedaled up an exhausting 3,139 steps in the Taipei 101 Tower in Taiwan on Sunday, according to China Daily. The 33-year-old endurance beast, Krystian Herba, conquered his own world record of 2,919 steps, which he set in 2014 when he ascended the Eureka Tower in Melbourne, Australia.

Herba claimed that this latest effort was the ‘most difficult challenge ever in my life’, citing the fact that the tower’s steps are twice as high as those from previous attempts. The Taipei 101 Tower, standing at 509m, was once the world’s tallest building (it now sits sixth on that list) and is named after the 101 floors it houses.

To complete his mission, Herba first climbed 60 floors, before returning to the bottom via elevator, then pedaled up another grueling 91 floors. The feat was accomplished in two hours and 13 minutes.

I am not exaggerating when I say I might hate this guy more than anyone on earth. I hate him with every fiber of my being. I hate him from the tips of my toes all the way up to the pointiest hair on my head. I hate him with every single breath I take. The rest of my life is going to be a little bit worse every single day just from knowing that this lycra-encased garbage monster exists under the same sun as me.

Why the fuck is there even a world record for this? Who is verifying this shit? If you call the Guinness Book of World Records and ask them what the record for “most stairs bicycled up” is, they should hang the fuck up on you. I honestly cannot think of a more useless record. At least when a whole town gets together and makes the world’s biggest grilled cheese sandwich or whatever the fuck people are doing these days, people get to eat it. All this guy managed to do was spend over two hours barging through the busy staircases of a hundred-story office building. And that’s the BEST CASE scenario. Worst case is they actually shut down and cleared out the staircases in this building just so this fucking chud could try to break his stupid fucking record FOR THE NINTH FUCKING TIME.

I get it. This is what bicyclists do. They obstruct. But I have to admit, even I am a little taken aback by this one. I know they block the streets. I know they block pedestrian walkways, doorways, subway cars, sidewalks, and just about any public throughway under the sun. I guess I just never thought they’d venture into the indoor realm. I mean, stairs? Now I have to worry about bicyclists running me over every time I go up a set of STAIRS? Call me naive–I just thought some things were off limits. After all, what’s next? Am I going to wake up in the middle of the night and stumble to the bathroom, only to find a bicyclist blocking the toilet? “Sorry bro, just trying to break the world record for laps around a bathtub,” he’ll say to me. Well I won’t stand for it. I WON’T.

This guy wants to cycle up the Sears Willis Tower next year. This we cannot allow. The line must be drawn HERE. This far, no further. Maybe this shit flies in Malaysia, but if we don’t take a stand in America, we might as well burn our cities to the ground and go back to foraging for food, because our days as a first world country are over.

PS. He went up 60 floors, then went down the elevator, then went up 91 floors? So he didn’t even get to the top and go back down? He just went up 60 and decided it was time for a break? That is some bullshit. How does this record even count? Dude straight up took a break right in the middle. I swear, bicyclists don’t have a single ounce of integrity. The fact that this guy can accept this record with a straight face makes me want to puke.

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I Always Thought Mad Max Was A Work Of Fiction But Apparently It Was Actually A Documentary About Australian Bicyclists

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[The Age] It was a case of road rage on two wheels this week as a squadron of cyclists assaulted a motorist in Fitzroy.

The melee began on Tuesday in Mater Street, Collingwood, with a verbal altercation between the driver and four male cyclists and continued to the southern side of the intersection of Brunswick Street and Alexandra Parade in Fitzroy.

As the motorist waited at the traffic lights, two of the cyclists from the initial group approached his vehicle. One of the men produced what police say was a metal bike lock and started hitting the car, shattering the windscreen. He then started hitting the driver’s side window, which also shattered and caved in. The two men then rode off east down Alexandra Parade. 

You won’t find a bigger Mad Max fan than me. The Road Warrior is probably one of my top 10 movies of all time, and I will be first in line to see the Tom Hardy reboot in IMAX. But I guess I’ve been laboring under a pretty serious misconception all this time. You see, I thought Mad Max was the brilliant creation of George Miller. I thought he was imagining a unique and exciting post-apocalyptic world in which roving bands of savage warlords ruled the roads.

But now I see that I was wrong. George Miller was just translating his experiences with Australian bicyclists into a cinematic experience. I mean holy shit, what a bunch of savages! Not that I’m surprised. This is straight off page one of the bicyclist handbook. Involved in a minor altercation? Better respond by bashing the shit out of someone’s personal property with a metal rod. Obviously that’s the next logical step. I mean, how do you even respond to that? Someone who thinks that attacking your car with the fury of a thousand suns is a proportional response is liable to do just about anything. This poor driver is lucky he didn’t end up dragged out of the car and strapped to the front of somebody’s bike like a fucking war trophy. He was probably afraid that was where it was heading.

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Anyway, I’m still excited to see the new Mad Max, but this definitely paints it in a whole new light for me. Australia, you need to clean this shit the fuck up. Obviously everyday citizens can’t stoop to the destructive level of these savages, but the Australian police need to take a stand. Keep the people of Australia safe! Protect them from these roving bands of lawless savages! You and me, Max, we’re gonna give them back their heroes!

h/t reader Ernest

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If You Think Being Four Years Old Means You Don’t Have To Obey Cycling Laws, Think The Fuck Again

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[People] It was a slow day of crime in Grantham, England, on March 9, apparently.

Sophie Lindley, 4, was biking along Trent Road with her dad, when a police officer approached her and said she had to get off the path on her bike. (Sophie is still using training wheels.)

“He said, ‘The law is the law,’ and she was not allowed to ride on the path,” her father Dale told the BBC. “He said, ‘If I catch you putting her on her bike further up the road I will turn around and confiscate the bike,’ ” Lindley added. 

Sophie’s mother said she knew that it was illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk, but she told the BBC that “it is ridiculous to think a 4-year-old is not allowed … The most unbelievable thing is they were going to confiscate the bike.”

First of all, bless you, cops! Bless you! I know that some people probably think that it’s “harsh” to threaten to confiscate a four-year-old kid’s bike. Some people probably think it’s “going too far” or that it’s “excessive.” Well to those people I say “fuck you.” Kids need to learn from an early age that being a reckless, lawless bicyclist is unacceptable. I’m not saying you need to throw kids in jail, but putting a little fear into them is just fine by me.

And the kid isn’t even the biggest problem. The real villains here are the parents. I mean, how about the stones on mom here?

Sophie’s mother said she knew that it was illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk, but she told the BBC that “it is ridiculous to think a 4-year-old is not allowed … The most unbelievable thing is they were going to confiscate the bike.”

Typical. Just so fucking typical. “We knew it was illegal but we did it anyway because WE ARE OF THE IMMORTAL CABAL OF BICYCLISTS TO WHOM THE LAWS OF MAN DO NOT APPLY!” I don’t know why I let this stuff get to me anymore. I already know for a fact that all bicyclists believe they have immunity from all laws. Why should it shock me that they think laws don’t apply to their kids, either? All I know is, thank God for this hero cop who came by to educate this little girl and hopefully prevent her from growing up to be a scofflaw like her parents.

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Lazy, Hypocritical Bicyclists Can’t Even Maintain Their Own Bike Lanes

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[The Age] A motorist wielding a large wooden bat attacked a group of cyclists after screaming abuse at them, one of the riders has claimed. A triathlete, who requested to be known only as Brad, said he was riding with his coach and five other cyclists on Point Nepean Road at Rye on the Mornington Peninsula on Saturday morning when they were confronted by a man on the street, waving the bat.

He said the same man had driven past them earlier, screaming abuse.

(….)

The driver accused the cyclists of blocking the road, Brad said. However, Brad said it was not safe for him and his teammates to ride in the bike lane on Point Nepean Road at the time, because it was in “terrible condition”.

He said the incident highlighted the need for councils to better maintain bike lanes. “They’re full of potholes, loose gravel, are very lumpy and are essentially unrideable. I don’t even think the street sweeper goes over them too often,” he said.

Look, I’m not gonna sit here and defend this guy. He lost his mind. He went overboard. He definitely shouldn’t have done what he did. But we’ve all been there. We’ve all been sitting behind a group of bicyclists blocking the road for miles, just steadfastly refusing to let anyone by them. We’ve all wished we could attack those people with a goddamn bat. Now, mind you, we don’t do it. We don’t do it because behaving like a savage is bicyclist territory. We, the normal, decent people of the world, don’t sink to that level. This guy makes us all look bad. So do I condone it? Of course not. But I understand.

But that’s really all beside the point here. How many times have you heard a bicyclist rant and rave about the evils of cars? How many times have you heard bicyclists proclaim the bicycle as the ultimate mode of transportation? How many times have you heard the spandex-clad lunatic fringe loudly express wonderment about how ANYONE could be STUPID enough to drive GAS GUZZLERS in this day and age?

I guess that’s all well and good until you need your precious bike lane cleared. Oh no, the street sweeper barely touches the bike lanes! Hey “Brad,” if that’s even your name, you pussy, why don’t you try attaching a push broom to your fucking bicycle and doing a little dusting yourself? You know what that street sweeper you’re so pathetically begging for is? A MOTOR VEHICLE. You know, one of those evil devices that you and your brain dead brethren have proclaimed as the downfall of humanity. You don’t want a filthy bike lane? Don’t rely on us evil polluters to clean it for you. Do a little dusting yourself. You want your potholes fixed? Well I sure hope you’ve figured out a way to pave the road with your bicycle because as far as the rest of us are concerned, you can go fuck yourself.

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h/t reader Ernest

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This Disgusting Poster Implying That Bicyclists Are In Any Way Sexually Desirable Has Been Rightly Banned

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[Irish Mirror] A race competition poster showing a cyclist pinching a podium girl’s bum has been withdrawn after complaints it was ‘sexist’.

The image is being used to promote the annual Belgian E3 Harelbeke cycling race.

It is accompanied by the caption ‘Wie ‘knijpt’ ze in Harelbeke’ which translates to ‘Who will ‘pinch’ the Harelbeke this year?’

It is thought to be a reference to the 2013 Tour of Flanders, when Slovakian rider Peter Sagan squeezed a woman’s backside on the winner’s podium.

He later apologised for his actions in a Facebook video and gave the woman a bunch of flowers.

When I look at internet porn, I appreciate when the director tries to inject a bit of a story. It has to be sort of believable. Hey, that girl just wants to be cast in a movie and she’s willing to do anything. I get it. Or hey, this guy did such a good job fixing the cable that the woman of the house wants to reward him. Sure. Or wow, that poor college girl didn’t have any money to tip the pizza guy with, but she didn’t want to send him away disappointed! How thoughtful!

This poster, on the other hand, is just disgusting. It’s vile. And it’s false advertising. I mean, if I had to make a list of the least sexually desirable people on the planet earth, bicyclists would be far and away tops on the list. Slap the most attractive woman in the world into spandex and put her on a bike, I’m still not watching that porno. There’s no scenario you can concoct in which it makes sense. My immersion is broken. It just isn’t believable.

Because if there’s one thing we know about bicyclists, it’s that they don’t give one single shit about anyone other than themselves. And sex is a two way street. If only one person is putting in any effort, chances are it’s not going to be enjoyable for either of you. So how could you possibly believe that a bicyclist would be fun to fuck? There’s absolutely no chance a bicyclist is going to find time to work the shaft appropriately if she’s too busy screaming about sharing the road. How can you possibly expect to establish any sort of rhythm if your bicyclist partner is busy imagining ways to block traffic? Bicyclists don’t go with the flow. They OBSTRUCT the flow. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about sex, it’s that an obstructed flow is going to put a pretty huge damper on your enjoyment.

Listen. No one is ever going to mistake me for the PC Police. Basically all I do here is make fun of people in terrible, over-the-top ways. But at least when I make ridiculous statements and claims, everything I say has a grain of truth to it. I mean, bicyclists ARE lawless, heathen, drug-addicted sociopaths. They DO think that they can get away with absolutely anything and don’t give a fuck how much damage they cause along the way, or to whom. These are just facts. I don’t have to spin these things. But putting out bicyclist propaganda that implies that there’s any way in the world that anyone would want to fuck a bicyclist? Not even remotely the same territory. I won’t stand for such damaging lies, and apparently neither will the Belgians.

Welcome to the fight, Belgium. Stand up for truth. Tell these bikefucks we won’t tolerate their lies, their propaganda, or their naked bodies.

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Nothing New Here, Just A Rage-Fueled Bike Monster Punching A 78-Year-Old Man In The Face

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[Cleveland Plain Dealer] A 78-year-old Parma Heights man was assaulted by a man riding a bicycle Feb. 19. The bicyclist was riding in the roadway, and when the older man told him to move over, the bicyclist broke his side mirror and punched him in the nose. Officer arrived on the scene but were unable to find the suspect.

There you have it, folks. Just further proof that when bicyclists say “share the road,” what they really mean is “let me have the whole road.” How else can you explain their insistence on riding in the dead center of the road and their consistent refusal to show any sort of common human decency when it comes to allowing faster vehicles an unobstructed roadway? Bicyclists don’t care how late you are to work or how many times faster than their top speed the speed limit might be. They care about making a point, and their point is apparently that they can be bigger dickheads than you.

In a way, you almost have to respect the bicyclist mentality. It’s very egalitarian. No favoritism whatsoever. No matter who you are, they treat you the same way: like an asshole. White guy, black girl, young woman, old man…it’s all the same in the mind of a bicyclist. If you think the fact that you’re a frail old septuagenarian is going to save you from a shattered mirror and a punch to the fucking dome, THINK AGAIN! Bicyclists are equal opportunity aggressors. You wanna step in the ring with a bicyclists, you better wear a fucking helmet (not them though, helmet laws are a fascist infringement on their basic human rights and anyone who supports them is literally Hitler).

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Kangaroos Are The Latest Animals To Join Mother Nature’s Battle Against Bicyclists

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[Canberra Times] Darren Jones is one of a string of bike riders to have narrowly survived collisions with kangaroos across Canberra. 

The 45-year-old father was flung off his bike when a kangaroo jumped out and hit his front wheel at 5.30am, before sunrise, on February 3.

“I remember hitting my head and then it went black,” he said. “I must have skidded about six metres. I woke up on my back and looking up at the sky I wondered how long I’d been out.” 

The confident cyclist was travelling close to 40km/h down the steep section of road in Aranda.

I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve heard from a new member of mother nature’s animal kingdom, but man, kangaroos sure know how to make a goddamn splash!

To be honest, the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long for kangaroos to join the fight. Let’s face it, kangaroos have always been among the most ornery creatures on the planet, and it’s only natural that bicyclists would be ignorantly invading their territory because, as I’ve proven time and time again, bicyclists talk a big game about saving the planet but don’t actually know a single fucking thing about nature.

So props to this kangaroo for standing up for himself. You wanna come through kangaroo territory at 5:30 in the fucking morning, you best be riding something heavier than a bike, motherfucker. Those ‘roos aren’t gonna stand for your shit. They know what’s up. They know what’s right. And if nobody else is going to stand up for truth and justice in Australia, it’s good to know that the kangaroos have it covered.

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