Lazy, Hypocritical Bicyclists Can’t Even Maintain Their Own Bike Lanes

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[The Age] A motorist wielding a large wooden bat attacked a group of cyclists after screaming abuse at them, one of the riders has claimed. A triathlete, who requested to be known only as Brad, said he was riding with his coach and five other cyclists on Point Nepean Road at Rye on the Mornington Peninsula on Saturday morning when they were confronted by a man on the street, waving the bat.

He said the same man had driven past them earlier, screaming abuse.

(….)

The driver accused the cyclists of blocking the road, Brad said. However, Brad said it was not safe for him and his teammates to ride in the bike lane on Point Nepean Road at the time, because it was in “terrible condition”.

He said the incident highlighted the need for councils to better maintain bike lanes. “They’re full of potholes, loose gravel, are very lumpy and are essentially unrideable. I don’t even think the street sweeper goes over them too often,” he said.

Look, I’m not gonna sit here and defend this guy. He lost his mind. He went overboard. He definitely shouldn’t have done what he did. But we’ve all been there. We’ve all been sitting behind a group of bicyclists blocking the road for miles, just steadfastly refusing to let anyone by them. We’ve all wished we could attack those people with a goddamn bat. Now, mind you, we don’t do it. We don’t do it because behaving like a savage is bicyclist territory. We, the normal, decent people of the world, don’t sink to that level. This guy makes us all look bad. So do I condone it? Of course not. But I understand.

But that’s really all beside the point here. How many times have you heard a bicyclist rant and rave about the evils of cars? How many times have you heard bicyclists proclaim the bicycle as the ultimate mode of transportation? How many times have you heard the spandex-clad lunatic fringe loudly express wonderment about how ANYONE could be STUPID enough to drive GAS GUZZLERS in this day and age?

I guess that’s all well and good until you need your precious bike lane cleared. Oh no, the street sweeper barely touches the bike lanes! Hey “Brad,” if that’s even your name, you pussy, why don’t you try attaching a push broom to your fucking bicycle and doing a little dusting yourself? You know what that street sweeper you’re so pathetically begging for is? A MOTOR VEHICLE. You know, one of those evil devices that you and your brain dead brethren have proclaimed as the downfall of humanity. You don’t want a filthy bike lane? Don’t rely on us evil polluters to clean it for you. Do a little dusting yourself. You want your potholes fixed? Well I sure hope you’ve figured out a way to pave the road with your bicycle because as far as the rest of us are concerned, you can go fuck yourself.

(image source)

h/t reader Ernest

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This Disgusting Poster Implying That Bicyclists Are In Any Way Sexually Desirable Has Been Rightly Banned

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[Irish Mirror] A race competition poster showing a cyclist pinching a podium girl’s bum has been withdrawn after complaints it was ‘sexist’.

The image is being used to promote the annual Belgian E3 Harelbeke cycling race.

It is accompanied by the caption ‘Wie ‘knijpt’ ze in Harelbeke’ which translates to ‘Who will ‘pinch’ the Harelbeke this year?’

It is thought to be a reference to the 2013 Tour of Flanders, when Slovakian rider Peter Sagan squeezed a woman’s backside on the winner’s podium.

He later apologised for his actions in a Facebook video and gave the woman a bunch of flowers.

When I look at internet porn, I appreciate when the director tries to inject a bit of a story. It has to be sort of believable. Hey, that girl just wants to be cast in a movie and she’s willing to do anything. I get it. Or hey, this guy did such a good job fixing the cable that the woman of the house wants to reward him. Sure. Or wow, that poor college girl didn’t have any money to tip the pizza guy with, but she didn’t want to send him away disappointed! How thoughtful!

This poster, on the other hand, is just disgusting. It’s vile. And it’s false advertising. I mean, if I had to make a list of the least sexually desirable people on the planet earth, bicyclists would be far and away tops on the list. Slap the most attractive woman in the world into spandex and put her on a bike, I’m still not watching that porno. There’s no scenario you can concoct in which it makes sense. My immersion is broken. It just isn’t believable.

Because if there’s one thing we know about bicyclists, it’s that they don’t give one single shit about anyone other than themselves. And sex is a two way street. If only one person is putting in any effort, chances are it’s not going to be enjoyable for either of you. So how could you possibly believe that a bicyclist would be fun to fuck? There’s absolutely no chance a bicyclist is going to find time to work the shaft appropriately if she’s too busy screaming about sharing the road. How can you possibly expect to establish any sort of rhythm if your bicyclist partner is busy imagining ways to block traffic? Bicyclists don’t go with the flow. They OBSTRUCT the flow. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about sex, it’s that an obstructed flow is going to put a pretty huge damper on your enjoyment.

Listen. No one is ever going to mistake me for the PC Police. Basically all I do here is make fun of people in terrible, over-the-top ways. But at least when I make ridiculous statements and claims, everything I say has a grain of truth to it. I mean, bicyclists ARE lawless, heathen, drug-addicted sociopaths. They DO think that they can get away with absolutely anything and don’t give a fuck how much damage they cause along the way, or to whom. These are just facts. I don’t have to spin these things. But putting out bicyclist propaganda that implies that there’s any way in the world that anyone would want to fuck a bicyclist? Not even remotely the same territory. I won’t stand for such damaging lies, and apparently neither will the Belgians.

Welcome to the fight, Belgium. Stand up for truth. Tell these bikefucks we won’t tolerate their lies, their propaganda, or their naked bodies.

(image source)

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Nothing New Here, Just A Rage-Fueled Bike Monster Punching A 78-Year-Old Man In The Face

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[Cleveland Plain Dealer] A 78-year-old Parma Heights man was assaulted by a man riding a bicycle Feb. 19. The bicyclist was riding in the roadway, and when the older man told him to move over, the bicyclist broke his side mirror and punched him in the nose. Officer arrived on the scene but were unable to find the suspect.

There you have it, folks. Just further proof that when bicyclists say “share the road,” what they really mean is “let me have the whole road.” How else can you explain their insistence on riding in the dead center of the road and their consistent refusal to show any sort of common human decency when it comes to allowing faster vehicles an unobstructed roadway? Bicyclists don’t care how late you are to work or how many times faster than their top speed the speed limit might be. They care about making a point, and their point is apparently that they can be bigger dickheads than you.

In a way, you almost have to respect the bicyclist mentality. It’s very egalitarian. No favoritism whatsoever. No matter who you are, they treat you the same way: like an asshole. White guy, black girl, young woman, old man…it’s all the same in the mind of a bicyclist. If you think the fact that you’re a frail old septuagenarian is going to save you from a shattered mirror and a punch to the fucking dome, THINK AGAIN! Bicyclists are equal opportunity aggressors. You wanna step in the ring with a bicyclists, you better wear a fucking helmet (not them though, helmet laws are a fascist infringement on their basic human rights and anyone who supports them is literally Hitler).

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Kangaroos Are The Latest Animals To Join Mother Nature’s Battle Against Bicyclists

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[Canberra Times] Darren Jones is one of a string of bike riders to have narrowly survived collisions with kangaroos across Canberra. 

The 45-year-old father was flung off his bike when a kangaroo jumped out and hit his front wheel at 5.30am, before sunrise, on February 3.

“I remember hitting my head and then it went black,” he said. “I must have skidded about six metres. I woke up on my back and looking up at the sky I wondered how long I’d been out.” 

The confident cyclist was travelling close to 40km/h down the steep section of road in Aranda.

I feel like it’s been a while since we’ve heard from a new member of mother nature’s animal kingdom, but man, kangaroos sure know how to make a goddamn splash!

To be honest, the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long for kangaroos to join the fight. Let’s face it, kangaroos have always been among the most ornery creatures on the planet, and it’s only natural that bicyclists would be ignorantly invading their territory because, as I’ve proven time and time again, bicyclists talk a big game about saving the planet but don’t actually know a single fucking thing about nature.

So props to this kangaroo for standing up for himself. You wanna come through kangaroo territory at 5:30 in the fucking morning, you best be riding something heavier than a bike, motherfucker. Those ‘roos aren’t gonna stand for your shit. They know what’s up. They know what’s right. And if nobody else is going to stand up for truth and justice in Australia, it’s good to know that the kangaroos have it covered.

(image source)

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Lance Armstrong Gives His Bicyclist Detractors A Giant Middle Finger, Says If He Could Go Back In Time He’d Cheat All Over Again

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[BBC] Shamed cyclist Lance Armstrong believes the time is coming when he should be forgiven for doping and lying – and told the BBC he would probably do it again.

Armstrong, 43, was stripped of his record seven Tour de France titles and banned from sport for life by the United States Anti-Doping Agency (Usada) in August 2012.

“If I was racing in 2015, no, I wouldn’t do it again because I don’t think you have to,” he said.

“If you take me back to 1995, when doping was completely pervasive, I would probably do it again.”

What can I say about Lance Armstrong that I haven’t already said? Plain and simple, the man is an American hero. I know that might seem a little incongruous with the basic message of this block, but longtime readers will know my stance on Lance Armstrong well. Has Lance Armstrong ever blocked a street? Ever demanded that you share the road? Has he ever blown through a stoplight and flipped off a driver who dares come within his eight foot bubble? No. He has not. All Lance did was go win one of the craziest international athletic competitions ever seven times in a fucking row. With one testicle. For AMERICA.

Oh boo hoo, Lance Armstrong cheated. Cry me a fucking river. The fact that bicyclists still get to pretend like their sport has a modicum of integrity is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The NCAA is like the gold standard for corruption in sports, and at least they’ve only had to vacate a handful of national champions. Hell, even FIFA hasn’t had to vacate any World Cup champions. Meanwhile, in the last 25 years, 68% of Tour de France champions have been caught doping. 68 fucking percent! And yet these bicyclists act like Lance Armstrong isn’t one of them. He’s an OUTLIER. He brings SHAME to their “sport.” I’ve got five words for you people: Give. Me. A. Fucking. BREAK.

So you HAVE to love Lance coming out with both middle fingers raised firmly in the air here. Basically just saying yup, I cheated, and so did everyone else. Would I go back and change it? Fuck no! I still dominated you assholes on an even playing field, and it’s about time you got the fuck over it. Just an absolute A+ effort on Lance’s part. If you hate Lance, you hate America. That’s basically what this boils down to. And if you hate America, well, we don’t really have to listen to anything you say, do we? Because you’re probably just another traitorous bicyclist hypocrite.

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Bono May Never Play Guitar Again Because He Got Run Over By A Bicyclist While Also Riding A Bicycle

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[CNN] Bono has shared with fans that recovery from an accident has been slow going and that he’s worried he may never play guitar again.

The U2 frontman underwent hours of multiple surgeries in November after a bicycle accident in New York City when he tried to avoid another rider in Central Park. The singer broke his arm in six spots, and he fractured his eye socket and shoulder blade.

On New Year’s Day, he posted a blog entry on the band’s website in which he detailed his struggle.

“Recovery has been more difficult than I thought,” Bono wrote. “As I write this, it is not clear that I will ever play guitar again. The band have reminded me that neither they nor Western civilization are depending on this.”

I’m a little ashamed that I missed this story when it first broke, but, to be fair, I do pride myself on NOT knowing what Bono is up to on a daily basis.

Anyway, it’s tough to pick a side in this one, because it’s not hard to imagine exactly what happened. Given that bicyclists think that they are the center of the universe and everything else revolves completely around them, they probably both cruised down the path at full speed, each supremely confident that the other would swerve out of the way, until they smashed together in a tangled heap of broken bones and wounded pride.

And listen. I have nothing against Bono. Well, that’s not true. I think Bono is an outrageous, self-aggrandizing asshole. But so does everyone else. It’s just kind of an accepted fact at this point. So really, what did you expect from Bono? Of COURSE he would be a bicyclist. It might make the most sense out of anything ever. So while it’s tempting to take the other bicyclist’s side just for the sake of rooting against Bono, I can’t do it. I can’t choose the average bicyclist over Bono, because at heart, Bono IS the average bicyclist. He’s a self-satisfied douchebag who thinks the rest of the world revolves around him. And what, I’m supposed to hate him more because he’s rich? Fuck that. That just means he’s taken the bicyclist mentality and found a way to channel it into something productive. Do I hate it? Sure. But goddammit, I respect it. If nothing else, it’s a step up from the rest of these twats.

So, in conclusion, fuck Bono. But fuck the other guy just as much. May they both rot in bicyclist hell.

h/t to reader Eric for the tip

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Oklahoma City Gets It, Is Considering A Three Foot Rule For Bicyclists Instead Of Drivers

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[Bike OKC] A new ordinance put forward by councilman Pat Ryan (Ward 8) would require bikes to maintain 3 feet between themselves and any motor vehicles traveling in the same direction.  The measure has been approved by the Oklahoma City Traffic Commission and will go before City Council in January.  The law currently states that drivers must provide 3 feet between their cars and cyclists when passing.

In addition to cyclists giving 3 feet to cars, the ordinance has additional language about where they should be riding.  For example, the proposed ordinance states “every person operating a bicycle upon a roadway shall ride as near to the right-hand side of the roadway as is safe”.  This basically negates the signs posted around town allowing cyclists to use the full lane, which is the safer way to ride on street without a bike lane, and forces them to ride in the gutter.  The ordinance also states that “persons riding bicycles shall not ride more than two abreast except on bicycle paths” and “when riding on roadways with designated bicycle lanes, the bicycle operator shall ride within the bicycle lane”.

Well how about that for a light in the darkness! Oklahoma City knows what’s up!

I absolutely LOVE how bent out of shape bicyclists are about this. It’s the most common sense rule in the history of rules. In fact, it doesn’t even REALLY say it’s a “three foot rule,” it says they need to ride “as near as is safe” to the right-hand side of the road. The fact that they aren’t already doing that basically proves the bicyclists are subhumans with zero common sense or survival instinct. Well, either that or they’re litigious asswipes who value the opportunity to sue the pants off a law-abiding motorist more than their own personal safety.

Either way, putting the onus on bicyclists instead of cars is a surefire way to make sure bicyclists at least have to stop and consider what they’re doing. Even if all they’re considering is how their actions will reduce the likelihood of a successful lawsuit. Hey, progress is progress.

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