Yet Another Reason Not To Ride A Bike: You Might Crash And Wind Up With A Seven-Week Long Erection That Needs To Be Medically Drained

bikeboner

[Gawker] A 22-year-old man suffered an erection for seven weeks after a mountain bike crash. The hard-on finally subsided after two weeks of medical treatment in a hospital.

“It was an anxious time for the patient, as it would be for any young man,” Dr. Ronan Browne, a doctor at Dublin’s Tallaght Hospital, where the man was treated, told the Irish Examiner.

The man received the injury—described as “high-flow” priapism “with rigid erection”—after crashing into his handle bars. For reasons that aren’t clear, he waited five weeks before seeking treatment at Dublin’s Tallaght Hospital, where it took doctors two weeks to find a cure.

Listen. I’m not a doctor. And I’ll admit that I’m not the most adventurous person in the entire world. But let’s be real for a second. I don’t care how unlikely it is that this would happen to me. There is zero chance I am doing ANYTHING where there is even a one in a million chance of me being stuck with a ridiculous seven week boner. You could come to me and say “Falco, you’re going to get to sleep with the most beautiful woman in the world. But after that, your boner won’t go away for seven weeks.” And you know what? Not gonna happen. It’s just not worth it. I can only handle so many days of pulling the waistband tuck and pissing all over the back of the toilet seat. Pretty sure I’d break down and cry within the first 12 hours.

So it’s absolutely baffling to me how anyone could read this story and ever climb onto a bike again. Bicycling already sucks. And you’re going to tell me that you’ll keep doing it even knowing that you could severely damage your man bits and never be able to wear sweatpants again? More power to you, brave souls. I’m just pretty sure I don’t want to join the cadre of complete assholes that is the bicycling community AND risk being known as the Boner Guy for the rest of my life. Different strokes I guess.

PS. I have to know though, has this guy never seen a Viagra commercial in his life? Come on dude. “Seek medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours.” Everyone knows that, bro. And it’s not like you waited five hours instead of four. You waited five WEEKS. That’s fucking insane. What the fuck happened at the week five mark that didn’t happen at week four? What made you finally decide, “well, four weeks was fine, but FIVE? This is just getting ridiculous.” I have to know.

(image source)

About Falco

I hate bicyclists. My only regret is that I can't grow a beard.
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One Response to Yet Another Reason Not To Ride A Bike: You Might Crash And Wind Up With A Seven-Week Long Erection That Needs To Be Medically Drained

  1. Eric says:

    Well, I don’t know about this. But I have read that bicycling lowers your sperm count:

    http://road.cc/content/news/28391-five-hours-cycling-week-makes-your-sperm-less-active-says-study

    There are multiple articles like this. That doesn’t strike me as a good trade.

    Also get a load of this woman riding her “Divvy” bike on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago:

    http://voices.suntimes.com/news/transportation-news/video-woman-rides-divvy-bike-on-lake-shore-drive/

    Some say she was lost. I’m not sure she wasn’t trying to make a point. The bicycle crowd here in Chicago has been yelling and screaming about inadequate focus on bicycles in the upcoming Lake Shore Drive rebuild. The Illinois Department of Transportation seems to be largely ignoring them and this is as it should be. As I stare out my office window, in the dead of winter, at the completely empty bike path next to busy Lake Shore Drive I am quite certain bicycling in Chicago is only going to go so far.

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