Typical Idiot Bicyclist Rides Right Past A Cop While Carrying All Of His Meth Cooking Ingredients

meth

Two months ago, a bicyclist carrying a bottle of Rooto household lye drain opener rode past a state police officer sitting in his unmarked car in an alley off of Kilgore Avenue.

That observation eventually led police to raid a methamphetamine lab on Wednesday at the apartment of the bicyclist, Richard Jason Lewis, 37, 710 W. Kilgore, Apt. 1.

Police seized a roll of vinyl tubing, cut straws, an empty container of Morton salt, stripped batteries, a plastic smoking device containing meth residue, six syringes, a pill grinder, numerous coffee filters containing white sludge, two metal spoons containing meth residue, a glass jar, a bottle cap with two holes, and sections of vinyl tubing.

Lewis told state police Trooper Nate Raney he had experimented with stuff but denied making meth.

Tough times when the best excuse you can come up with is that you tried to make meth, but never actually managed to do it. Not that it’s surprising to hear that a bicyclist failed at something. I mean, it’s such a believable excuse that I’m surprised the cop even bothered to arrest him. “Oh, you’re a bicyclist. Well nothing to worry about here then, this guy’s never going to be successful enough to actually DISTRIBUTE this stuff, we’ve got better things to do.” In fact, probably the worst case scenario here would be this guy blowing himself up, and is that even really a bad thing? One less meth head on the streets, and you can’t block traffic from the emergency room.

Listen, I know Breaking Bad made meth trendy and all, but not just anybody can cook it. Walter White was a chemistry genius who made the best meth on earth and it took him all of two years to have it all come crashing down around him. Do you really think the average bicyclist can do better than that? Just about the only thing this guy did right was not ride around with actual, fully cooked meth in his backpack like most of his spandex-clad brethren. No, he just rode right past a cop carrying all of his obvious meth ingredients right out in the open. Why not just wear a shirt that says GET YOUR METHAMPHETAMINES HERE at that point? He probably had a piece of paper in his pocket labeled “meth shopping list.” Come on man. Be better.

Posted in Criminals, Drugs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Just A Typical Bicyclist Recording Upskirt Videos Of Women While Riding Around Manhattan

upskirtpic

[NBC New YorkPolice are seeking a man accused of recording a woman underneath her dress while he was riding a bicycle on the Upper East Side.

Police said the suspect approached the 19-year-old victim in front of 949 Third Ave. at about 1:30 p.m. on Thursday, Aug. 14, and placed a video camera underneath her dress while it was recording. 

The victim confronted the suspect, and he fled, police said. 

Obviously this is no shock. We already know that all bicyclists are basically savages, so their appalling behavior branching into the realm of sexual deviancy is only to be expected. But honestly, this guy seems to be a cut above even the average bicyclist’s level of stupidity. I mean, am I reading this right? Did he really get off his bicycle, put a camera on the ground, and then pretend like he didn’t just do that? That can’t possibly be what happened, can it? Nobody is that dumb, right?

I get a lot of emails from people (bicyclists) telling me that I’m too harsh. I get a lot of comments on blogs telling me that I’m way too over-the-top. But it’s stories like this one that make me thing maybe I’m not hard ENOUGH on bicyclists. I honestly thought I had set the bar as low as it could possibly be set, but along comes this guy and sets it even lower. Puts it on the ground right under my feet, as it were. I would almost respect this guy’s audacity if I didn’t hate his goddamn guts so much.

Posted in Criminals | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Justin Bieber Is Apparently An Avid Bicyclist, Which I’m Pretty Sure Means The Argument Is Over And I Win

bieber

[Bicycling.com] Notorious bad boy Justin Bieber looks to be turning a new page. After his probation meeting on Saturday, Biebs was spotted taking a brand-new bike out for a spin. Based on these Daily Mail photos, it appears to be a model from Retrospec, a Los Angeles-based company specializing in steel fixies.

The Liberty Voice reported that Bieber is turning a page after being sentenced to two years of probation for egging a car. He has embraced a healthier lifestyle, which includes cycling.

Bieber has been interested in bikes for quite some time. Last year, TMZ reported he stole a bike from a security guard at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas and rode it around the hallways. Unfortunately, his ride was cut short when the guard reclaimed the bicycle. If he was so set on getting in some indoor exercise, he should have just checked out our guide to trainer workouts

Well, well, well! The most notorious little shit on the planet earth has apparently thrown in his lot with the bicyclists! I can’t say I’m surprised. His whiney, entitled attitude will fit right in as he cruises down the middle of Hollywood Boulevard at 2 miles per hour. It’s perfect, when you think about it. Bieber’s personality fits so perfectly with the bicyclist persona that I almost can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together before.

And of course, I love how our friends at “Bicycling.com” just gloss right over the fact that Bieber stole somebody’s bicycle last year. Oh yeah, hail the Biebs as a hero for taking up your chosen vice, but blatantly ignore the fact that he does exactly the sort of thing that you’d crucify anyone else for. It’s to be expected though. Bicyclists are so desperate for any sort of attention that they’ll crawl in bed with pretty much anybody, even if it means embracing known bicycle thief and all-around reprehensible human being Justin Bieber. That’s just how it goes. Nothing to see here, folks.

h/t reader Steven

Posted in Stupidity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The NYPD Is Confiscating Illegally Parked Bikes, And Believe It Or Not Bicyclists Are Not Happy About It

coptakebike

[GawkerIf your lock gets cut and your bike disappears in midtown Manhattan, you should call the cops. Not because you need to report the crime—because there’s a good chance the cops stole the bike themselves.

I first heard about this practice from my friend Kevin Kenkel, an employee at New York’s Museum of Art and Design, who rides his bike from Williamsburg to his office in Midtown Manhattan nearly every weekday. When he went to retrieve it on the evening of September 4, it was gone.

The bike, which was locked to a street sign on Broadway between 58th Street and Columbus Circle, had been seized by the NYPD, but Kevin had no way of knowing that—the officer who’d taken it left no notice. A security guard at the museum suggested that Kevin check the police department’s Midtown North precinct, nearby on West 54th Street. He stopped by that evening, and it was there.

The police, it seems, are in the habit of clipping locks and confiscating ostensibly legally-parked bikes in the area. An officer on duty told Kevin that the bike renters who swarm Columbus Circle regularly steal bicycles, and that police will sometimes preemptively seize them as a preventative measure. “He explained that the bike guys are stealing and selling to tourists, and so the police, in order to crack down on that, are just removing any bicycle that’s locked to city property,” Kevin told me. “Any bike that’s not locked up to a bike rack. And there are no bike racks near my office.”

Hey Kevin, I’m no genius but it sure seems like maybe you should stop riding your fucking bike to work! This is pure, vintage bicyclist right here. Remember back in the day when you wanted to get something done? Like, say, have a bike rack installed outside your building? You might petition the city, or petition your office. It might be a little bit of work on your part, but hey, chaining your bike to city property is illegal, so it’s just the right thing to do. Remember those days? Remember them?

Well, they’re dead and gone, apparently. At least to bicyclists. After all, why try to do something that might actually address the problem you seem to be having when you could just whine about it to the media and get your 15 minutes of fame?

But of course, the larger point here is that bicyclists yet again show that they think they’re above the law. Sure, locking your bike to a parking meter is ILLEGAL, but surely that doesn’t mean the cops have the right to actually ENFORCE that law, does it? The constant state of incredulity associated with the bicyclist mindset is just unfathomable to normal people like you and me. “What right do the police have to enforce the law!” cry hordes of bicyclists, tears streaming down their faces as the rain beats down. “What right have they to take my bike! For I am of the immortal cabal of bicyclists to whom the laws of man apply not!”

In a way, I almost feel bad for them. When I was five years old, I saved up six whole dollars from my allowance. I was happy. I was proud. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. So I got myself a piece of paper and a green colored pencil and I drew myself some more dollars. I was rich. Rich! Until my mother sat down and explained to me that this is called “counterfeiting,” and the real world doesn’t quite work like that. I was devastated. I felt like a fool. I wept salty tears of dismay, the sort of tears one cries when they discover how the real world works for the first time.

This is what I imagine everyday life is like for bicyclists. One cruel discovery after another. When I read about a bicyclist getting arrested for biking under the influence, I truly believe that they have no idea that such a thing is illegal. When I read about one being busted for possession, I honestly don’t think they understand that it is not acceptable to carry a brick of cocaine around just because they’re on a bicycle.

The real world is a harsh place. I learned that when I was a small child, but the bicyclist mindset makes it clear that not everyone does. And unfortunately for bicyclists, this realization is very much like the chicken pox: if you miss out as a child, it’s going to be that much worse when it happens as an adult.

Posted in Criminals | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Wanna See A Slapfight Between Two Professional Cyclists? Of Course You Do

[Deadspin] Man, if there was evidence that cyclists are not really ’bout that life, this incredibly weak slapfest between Ivan Rovny and Gianluca Brambilla during the 16th stage of the Vuelta a España is it. Are they swatting at flies or trying to hit each other?

I guess if their ultimate goal was to stay on their bikes and in the race, they succeeded, but not like that was going to matter. They were both booted from the tournament before the stage ended. If you’re going to get kicked out anyway, might as well connect a couple solid shots.

Never have these eyes seen anything that better sums up what it is to be a bicyclist. Just a couple of grown men slapping each other like six-year-old girls in the middle of a professional bike race. 

Just to be clear, this doesn’t shock me. I long for the days when professional cyclists were jammed so full of steroids that they could barely function. We never saw this sort of thing when Lance Armstrong was winning Tour de France after Tour de France. Why? Because he and every other bicyclist were pumped so full of testosterone that a disagreement like this would have resulted in someone getting run the fuck off the road. Professional cyclists today just live in a different world. There’s such an excess of estrogen floating around that I’m surprised this video didn’t end with them both in tears. 

So get used to this, bicyclists. The more you shun American Hero Lance Armstrong, the more these two slap-happy pussies become the face of your “sport.” 

Posted in Professional Cyclists | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Six Bicyclists Are In The Hospital Because They Accidentally Drank Laundry Detergent Before A Race And No I Am Not Making That Up

detergent

[Deadspin] Six cyclists preparing to start a race in Østlendingen, Norway, were hospitalized today after they all drank laundry detergent, believing it to be some kind of sports drink. They are all fine, so it’s OK to laugh.

The town’s paper, the Østlendingen, reported that the detergent was a new product developed specifically for athletic apparel. The race organizers had even passed it out at a previous race without incident. “No one drank the samples,” the race’s bewildered press officer said.

“We also believe that it clearly appears that this is a detergent,” said the detergent parent company’s Head of Information Anne Gjemdal. “It is emphasized on the label on the front.”

When you were a kid, did your parents ever put those little child locks on the cabinets? You know the ones I’m talking about. Where you had to push down on a little knob to open the drawer? Sometimes people use them for pets, too. Anyway, the basic idea is that you put these on your drawers and cabinets so that the little ones can’t get into all the chemicals under the sink and drink them. The last thing in the world that you want to discover is your four-year-old passed out on the floor of the kitchen because he mistook the Formula 409 for a bottle of Gatorade. 

Well, I wouldn’t have thought that those kiddie locks would have too much utility once kids pass the age of six or seven, and yet here we are. Apparently we need to hold bicyclists’ hands not just through drug laws, traffic laws, and human decency, but also through common sense and basic reading comprehension. Maybe this explains why bicyclists never bother to stop at stop signs: they have no idea what those strange S T O P symbols actually mean. 

To look at things from another angle though, this little fiasco explains a lot. Someone handed these idiots a bottle of some unknown substance, and they just drank it down without ever bothering to find out what it was. Is it any wonder that steroids are such a problem in competitive cycling? Shit, everybody wants to jump on Lance Armstrong and call him a lying scumbag, but if these people are any sort of representative sample, the poor guy probably didn’t even know what he was taking! That’s the bicyclist way. If someone hands you a liquid, you DRINK that liquid, no questions asked. I’m on Lance Armstrong’s side now more than I ever was before. It was probably some rival team who gave Lance those steroids. Just handed him a big jug of steroid juice and walked away. No doubt Lance thought it was a delicious bottle of laundry detergent and drank it down. Typical bicyclists, trying to destroy an American hero. But you can’t put this one past me.

Posted in Professional Cyclists, Stupidity | Tagged | 1 Comment

Heh.

[SB Nation] Yes. Yes, this will do nicely. Don’t worry, poor bicyclist, I’m sure this won’t end up everywhere and you can–

Heh.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments