Idiot Bicyclist Flops Directly Into Lake Michigan

[Barstool SportsThat may have been the best 6 second clip I’ve ever watched. Just perfect. I know we quote the Will Ferrell clip all the time but it really does work here.

Ahhhhh, I’m biking, take a good picture, honey, IM DEAD!

What is there to say? We already know that bicyclists don’t think that the laws of man apply to them. Traffic laws, drug laws, alcohol laws…they think it’s perfectly okay to ignore all of them the minute they strap on their spandex and sit atop a bicycle. So is it REALLY any surprise that these dickheads don’t think the laws of physics apply to them either? I mean I’d love to talk to this guy immediately after this happened. I’d love to know what was going through his head. I guarantee you he is flat out shocked that his bike didn’t take off and hover gracefully over the waves. What the fuck is GRAVITY doing acting on him? He’s a bicyclist for fuck’s sake. They’re above shit like that.

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I’ve Always Known That Bicyclists Are Disgusting, Filth-Spewing Piss Monsters, And Now I Have Video Proof

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[DeadspinThis is a thing that distance bike riders do all the time, but rarely are we lucky enough to catch the magic that is the mid-race piss on camera.

The rider, Niki Terpstra from the Omega-Pharma Quick Step team, gets through his whiz with flawless technique. He hugs the side of the road so as to avoid blasting pee all over his fellow riders, keeps his stream steady and straight, and keeps his eyes on the road so as to avoid a urine-soaked crash.

Well this is just despicable. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I can’t. In fact I guess the only good part of this is that it’s in France instead of here in America. But I’m not foolish enough to believe that bicyclists in America aren’t doing the same damn thing. And they’re only getting bolder. Those of us with clear eyes and a modicum of foresight can see that it’s only a matter of time before bicyclists in America patrol the streets of every city in the country completely undaunted, exposed dongs flapping in the breeze like fleshy pirate flags, dousing our roadways with their vile nectar of anarchy in broad daylight. Is that the America you want your children to grow up in? It’s certainly not the America I dream of. But until these disgusting pedalheads can get their bodily functions under control, it’s the reality we all live in.

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Remember That WaPo Column I Wrote About Yesterday? DC Bicyclists Launched The Saddest Protest Ever Over It

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[DCist] If you thought that the Washington Post’s Courtland Milloy would never write a column where he equates cyclists to terrorists, insinuating that hitting them with a car is worth the $500 fine and no one would do anything about it, you thought wrong.

This afternoon, dozens of cyclists—along with a guest appearance from Council Chairman Phil Mendelson—gathered in front of the Post’s headquarters to protest Milloy’s column, entitled”Bicyclist bullies try to rule the road in D.C.,” to let him and his editors know that they are not, in fact bike terrorists.

There isn’t much to say here other than that this has to be the most pathetic protest I’ve ever seen. I mean I know bicyclists aren’t exactly the most organized bunch–sure, at times they’ve been able to come together to form themselves into roving bands of marauding assault-machines, but without the prospect of committing multiple felonies to entice them, they’re merely a disjointed rabble–but have a little pride, for god’s sake. If you’re going to organize a protest, try and make sure that more than six people show up, yeah? Protesting 101, really.

Of course, this just goes even FURTHER to confirm everything I’ve been saying. Sure, bicyclists can fill the comment section of a Washington Post article and sockpoppet their way to victory in an internet shouting match, but when it comes to real life, absolutely nobody likes them. They can kick and scream all they want but the fact remains that my friend Courtland Milloy had them dead to rights. Everything he wrote in that article was true, and everybody knows it. I mean apparently even the bicyclists know it, since their giant protest barely managed to attract enough people to block a sidewalk. Go ahead and protest with your construction paper signs and frowny faces, the rest of us will be over here being productive members of civilized society.

PS. Pretty telling that with all the bikes in that picture, there’s only one helmet. Basically confirms everything I’ve said about them being brain damaged.

PPS.

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This is pretty much the saddest doodle of a bicycle of all time, right? Come to think of it this might be the saddest sign of all time. Get this guy some Prozac before he jumps into the fucking Potomac already.

(image source)

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Did WaPo’s Courtland Milloy And I Just Become Best Friends?

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[Washington Post] I have to hand it to the bicyclists in the D.C. area. They’ve got more nerve than an L.A. biker gang. And some can be just as nasty.

They fight to have bike lanes routed throughout the city, some in front of churches where elderly parishioners used to park their cars. They slow-pedal those three-wheel rickshaws through downtown during rush hour, laughing at motorists who want them to get out of the way. ….

Actually, bike ninjas are much worse. They don’t just ride without lights at night. Or ride on sidewalks and go the wrong way in a bike lane. If you demand that he show common courtesy and obey the rules of the road, a biker just might spit on your car. Kick the door. Hit the side mirrors. Bang on the hood. And dare you to do anything about it.

It’s a $500 fine for a motorist to hit a bicyclist in the District, but some behaviors are so egregious that some drivers might think it’s worth paying the fine.

Bikers routinely worm their way to the front of a line of cars waiting at a red light. When the light turns green, they’ll poke along at a snail’s pace, holding up traffic while motorists wait for a chance to pass. Then they do the same thing at the next stop light.

This guy! Courtland Milloy, you beautiful bastard! I’ve been down on the Washington Post for some time now, but once in a while they step up and show they’re still capable of knocking one out of the park.

I feel like every other day my inbox gets filled to the brim with emailers accusing me of hate speech or calling me a monster or spewing any other manner of rage-fueled invectives and vitriol. Well guess what, fuckers? No more! I’ve got the WASHINGTON FUCKING POST on my side now!

This just proves what I’ve said from day one: all I’m doing is telling it like it is, and the feral bicyclist mobs can’t handle the truth. I’m not making up stories. I’m not inventing tall tales about bicyclists. I’m working with the material that this cabal of spandex warriors lays at my doorstep. I’m relaying what the average citizen sees on the streets every day. And to have Courtland Milloy confirm everything I’ve been saying (and in the paper of record in my hometown, no less!) is nothing short of complete vindication.

But before I do a victory lap, let’s just take a quick look at the comment section of the article, shall we? I’m sure the bicyclists in our nation’s capital took this in stride, right?

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oh

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oh i see

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wait what

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wait did i read a different article

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now ya’ll just being mean to old people

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well i guess i’ll wait

I highly recommend reading the entire comment section. It’s the perfect combination of people advocating banning all cars, people crying racism for no apparent reason, people hurling insults and threatening violence against the columnist, and people who haven’t even READ the article in question (no shock there, bicyclists have proven so consistently incapable of reading the four letters S T O P on brightly colored and clearly visible signs that it seems clear that most of them are illiterate). My favorites are the ones claiming that the article is inciting violence against bicyclists. Nowhere in this article is there any inciting of violence. And while we’re at it, nowhere on my site is there any inciting of violence. I’ve made it clear on MANY occasions that anyone perpetrating violence against bicyclists is no friend of mine. We’re better than that. We don’t sink to their level. And that’s what bicyclists don’t understand. They’re so busy calling for violence against motorists that they haven’t even noticed that those of us living in civilized society (which is admittedly outside the comprehension of the average bicyclists) haven’t responded in kind.

Obviously none of this is very surprising, as bicyclists as a group have proven to be an exceptionally violent and temperamental bunch. Any word against bicyclists is a threat to their psychotic amalgamation of fitness freaks, spurring them to immediately join together in a Voltron-like fusion of half-baked ideas and hate-fueled invectives. Courtland Milloy isn’t the first to suffer their wrath for speaking the truth, and he won’t be the last. Me? I just want him to know he has allies. Stand strong, my friend! Stand strong!

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New Study Basically Says That People Who Participate In Bikeshare Programs Are Brain Damaged

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[MyFoxDC] WASHINGTON – Brain injuries in several cities, including in Washington, D.C., are on the rise according to a recent study.

Surprisingly, research shows they may be linked to bike-sharing programs.

Doctor Michael Lewis of the Brain Health Education and Research Institute joined us with more.

They seem to have a little bit of a cause and effect issue here but I think the takeaway from this article is that people who participate in bike sharing programs are brain damaged. Uhhh, no kidding? I’m glad that Fox thought it was necessary to have some sort of brain geek on to tell all of us with normal, functional cognitive reasoning skills what we already know, but I think we’ve already got a pretty firm handle on the fact that bicyclists are brain damaged psychopaths.

If you go to the site and watch the video, the basic premise is that people who use bikeshare programs aren’t as experienced as other bike riders, and that leads to more accidents and more brain injuries. Which is fair. I can buy that. But what do you expect? Put a dumbass on a bike and send him out into the middle of the city and he’s probably going to cause an accident or two. Throw in the fact that these people are too stubborn or proud or WHATEVER it is that makes them think riding around without a helmet is perfectly fine and it’s pretty clear that these idiots are highly brain damaged from the get-go. So while I’m no big fan of bikeshare programs, I think we can safely say that all they’re doing is enabling people whose brains are clearly already damaged goods.

PS. Bikeshare programs are still a plague on our society and should be stopped at any cost, and if this stupid study makes that happen I’m all for it.

h/t reader Brian

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How Is It Even Possible To Make A Canadian Police Officer So Mad He Punches You In The Face?

mounties

[CBC News] A Vancouver police officer accused of assaulting a cyclist during an arrest that was videotaped and posted on Facebook, pleaded not guilty in court today.

The incident happened in March 2013 in downtown Vancouver, while Const. Ismail Bhabha was handcuffing cyclist Andishae​ Akhavan Kharazi after pulling him over for riding without a helmet and running a red light.

The incident provoked outrage online when a video taken by Kharazi’s friend, Mike Schwarz, was posted on Facebook. It appears to show Bhabha punching Kharazi in the face.

At Bhabha’s trial on Wednesday morning, Kharazi testified he did not recall running any lights on his bike and said he normally stops for lights.

He also testified he never resisted arrest or raised his voice, and only moved his arms involuntarily when the officer twisted his arms behind his back while attempting to handcuff him.

First off, is there a bigger lie in the entire world than the old “I don’t recall” line? Reel it in there Ollie North, if you “don’t recall” whether you ran a red light on your bike, it doesn’t exactly take a genius to figure out that you probably did.

Second off, the video comes from the bicyclist’s friend and cuts in about two seconds before the cop punches the dude in the face. Yeah dude, no need to include the run up to that. You really think I’m going to believe that he just punched him in the face for no reason? And you know what, it’s not even no reason. When you’re getting handcuffed and you try to jerk your arm away, you’re gonna get popped. If anything I think the cop used a surprising amount of restraint. He barely touched him. It’s not like he hauled back and decked him with an uppercut. He gave him a love tap. A little “hey, I’m still here” reminder. Downright polite by police standards.

But most importantly (and the main reason I 100% believe the bicyclist deserved it), how in the name of FUCK is it even POSSIBLE to get a Canadian mad enough to punch you in the face? I mean I’d love to see the rest of the confrontation from beginning to end, because you KNOW this bicyclist had to be talking some unbelievable shit. Usually I’d expect a Canadian cop to straight up apologize for arresting you, but you got this guy to haul off and punch you right in the grill. I figure either this guy was just flagrantly douching it up in front of the cop and got what he deserved, or he insulted the cop’s hockey team. In either case, you gotta know what’s coming. No sympathy. #TeamCop

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Is Anyone, And I Mean ANYONE Shocked By The Fact That Alec Baldwin Is Just Another Dickhead Bicyclist?

alecbald

[NY Daily News] Alec Baldwin was busted for disorderly conduct in Manhattan on Tuesday, after a flare-up with cops when he was stopped for riding his bicycle against traffic, police said.

The hotheaded actor became unruly with officers who asked him for identification after they stopped on Fifth Ave. near 16th St.. in the Flatiron District about 10:15 a.m., cops said.

“He became belligerent, yelling and screaming at the officers, ‘I don’t have ID. Just give me the f—–g summonses,'” one police source told the Daily News.

The answer is no, nobody.

At this point, Alec Baldwin has done just about every outrageous thing in public that you can think of. He’s gotten kicked off planes for refusing to shut off his phone, he’s tweeted homophobic remarks more times than I can count, he’s punched paparazzi…it’s really absolutely no shock to discover that he’s a bicyclist. Everything else about his personality says that he doesn’t give a shit about rules. In fact, it seems like he actively tries to make everybody’s lives harder. Whether it’s singlehandedly delaying planes or riding the wrong way up 5th Avenue and making everybody late for work, leave it to Alec Baldwin to ruin everything for everybody.

PS. I guess I gotta give a little credit to the NYPD here? To be totally honest I’ve seen bicyclists riding the wrong way up the street every day of my life and the cops never seem to give a shit. So kudos to the NYPD for actually stepping up and making an example of the prick.

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