Real Life Washington Post Headline: “Actually, Cyclists Make City Streets Safer”

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[Washington Post] In the hysteria that predated the launch of New York’s bike-sharing system last year, many critics cried that the bikes would make the city’s streets less safe. All those cyclists wouldn’t be wearing helmets! They’d have no insurance! Accidents would skyrocket, and with them lawsuits against the city. Fatalities would triple!

The system’s safety record quickly turned out to be less sensational. But this was as bike advocates expected. Biking — as with walking — offers a prime example of the power of crowds. The more people who do it, the more drivers become attuned to their presence (either on sidewalks or road shoulders), and the more cities are likely to invest in the kind of infrastructure explicitly meant to protect them.

This pattern is confirmed in a large biannual benchmarking report released this week by the Alliance for Biking & Walking in partnership with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The report, based on data from census travel surveys, the American Community Survey, and local data tracking cyclists and pedestrians, offers some crucial national perspective outside of cities like New York and Washington.

Hey Washington Post!

Mutombo Not in My House Gif

Far be it from me to call the good people at the Washington Post retards, but the good people at the Washington Post are retards. I mean whoa! You’re telling me that if everyone rode a bike, traffic fatalities would decrease! THAT’S AMAZING. Next you’ll be telling me that if everyone threw away their guns, stab wounds would increase!

This is the absolute definition of killing the patient to cure the disease. It’s true that if more people rode bikes, fewer people would be killed in traffic accidents. Of course, that’s because bikes are incapable of going fast enough to kill anyone. So yeah, everything would be safer, in the same way that everything would be safer if everyone used sailboats to get across the ocean. No more plane crashes! It’s perfect! And if we made surgery illegal, imagine how many fewer medical malpractice claims there would be! And do you know how many people freeze to death every year? END THE TYRANNY OF ICE! SPRAY EVERY AEROSOL YOU HAVE INTO THE SKY! GLOBAL WARMING FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND.

I also like how the article points out that “The more people who do it, the more … cities are likely to invest in the kind of infrastructure explicitly meant to protect them.” Great point! And did you know that the more retarded people there in an community, the more likely that community is to invest in programs meant to help the mentally disabled? But guess what: at the end of the day, they’re still retarded. And not to mix metaphors here, but at the end of the day, anyone who would rather ride a bicycle than drive a car is also retarded.

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Pretty Sure Parrots Just Sided With Me In The Battle Against Bicyclists

[Barstool Sports] Hah love it. Oh sorry Mr. Doucheonabike, your life is much, much less important than my bird who’s dying on me. Bike douche didn’t even know how to respond. It’s not all about you just because you’re on a bike. Us normals who drive automobiles have places to go and people to see and birds to revive. We don’t have to make it all about us. And besides, why the fuck does bike idiot even care why he was cut off in the first place? I don’t chase down and tap on the window of every driver who does that to me. Shit happens out on the road. It just happens that idiot decided since he’s on a bike, he has to bring the dramatics everywhere he goes. Even though I think people who keep birds as pets are one step away from the looney bin, I hope the bird lived.

Not sure I can say it any better than your local Barstool blogger Nate already did. I mean I’ve always said the bicyclists are the biggest bunch of fake-liberal phonies out there. Like they always want you to believe that they’re riding their bikes because they want to save the environment. Uhhh wrong. They’re riding their bikes so they can tell everyone about how they ride their bikes. It’s no different from the crossfit people or the P90X mafia. Nobody enjoys any of that shit. They just want to tell everybody else how much better than them they are.

So it obviously comes as no surprise to me that this fuckhead doesn’t give one single shit about this poor, defenseless, dying parrot. When it comes right down to it bicyclists care more about getting six feet of clearance on all sides than they do about actually helping another living thing. Nature my ass, bro. You’d murder every parrot on the face of the earth if it meant BuzzFeed would post a picture of you on a bike. Nate hits the nail on the head here. The second you sit on a bike, dramatics everywhere. I wish this surprised me at all but it doesn’t. Flat out typical bicyclist behavior.

PS. Is it just me or was that car not even that close to him? I mean what’s the driver supposed to do, veer into the other lane and smash head on into oncoming traffic so pedalpants over here can enjoy his isolated protection bubble? Fucking bicyclists, man. Biggest bunch of babies around.

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This Bicyclist Commenter Is NOT Happy With Me

Screen Shot 2014-03-05 at 12.42.34 PMHoo boy! Settle down, little doggie! I gotta say, I knew there were a lot of bicyclists out there who hate me, but I didn’t realize I was inspiring internet fanfiction about my gruesome murder. This is a whole new level of celebrity for me. Honestly I may print this out and frame it on my wall.

Because I gotta hand it to the guy. This is a top notch narrative here. As soon as I read this I had to sit down and think about a few things. Am I really a “smuck?” Would my parents both “laughted” after my “dimise?” Tough stuff. It really makes you reevaluate your life. I for sure do not want to be inflated like a blimp via my anus. That’s not a good look for anybody.

PS. I’ve made peace with the fact that whoever wrote this is 100% going to murder me.

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Top Gear Gets It.

I know the internet tends to go off on a massive circlejerk when it comes to Top Gear, so I’ll just admit right now that I’m not particularly interested in car-centric television shows and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve watched so much as five minutes of Top Gear.

That said, this is all I need to see to know that these guys fucking get it. You don’t have to be any sort of genius to figure out that even in a life or death situation, the typical bicyclist will find his natural instinct to rebel and disobey all rules both legal and logical nigh impossible to overcome. Of course, it’s not like there’s a bomb to disarm at every street corner, and to that I say: too bad.

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HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Screen Shot 2014-02-25 at 7.12.23 PMHahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh God. Wait. Wait. Hahahahahahahaha…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

No, I can stop. I swear. I can stop.

Hahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

Look, I love io9 as a site. I do. They’re a great source for science news and scifi goodies, both of which I’m a big fan of. But holy shit, that headline. Holy shit, you guys. I don’t even need to say anything here. Everybody go home.

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Apparently DC Is Hosting The “National Bike Summit” Next Month, So I Guess That’s When I’m Going To Kill Myself

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[Philadelphia Inquirer] In a few weeks, I’m going to ride my bicycle from New York City to Washington, D.C.

 I have never attempted such a feat before — certainly not in the winter! But I’m not crazy, I promise. I’m doing this for a good reason, and so are the nine other women riding with me.

We are part of an event called #WEBiketoDC, organized by WE Bike NYC, a group based in New York City that works to make bicycling more accessible to women and female-identified people. The ten of us riding represent five organizations with overlapping missions, from three cities: WE Bike NYC, the Washington Area Bicyclist Association, Black Women Bike: DC, and, from Philly, Gearing Up and the Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia. I work for both of the Philadelphia organizations, and am excited to have Kaelin Proud, Program Director at Gearing Up, representing Philly with me.

Our destination is the National Women’s Bicycling Forum and National Bike Summit in Washington D.C., March 3-5. Women are underrepresented in the cycling and cycling advocacy community, and we hope to emphasize the importance of the work we are doing, and the need to bring new and diverse voices into the biking conversation.

You know what my favorite part is? This crazy, bike-loving psychopath leads off by saying that it’s “for a good cause.” I’ll be honest, I saw that and assumed that it was some sort of charity ride, and I’d have to tread carefully when it came to making fun of them. Nope. Not even a little bit. The “good cause” is apparently just getting to the “National Bike Summit,” which, until I read this article, I didn’t know existed at all, let alone that it’s being hosted in my goddamn backyard less than a month from now.

That’s the level of fantasyland delusion we’re dealing with when it comes to bicyclists. I used to get annoyed at these charity rides, because if we’re being honest, you know these pedalfuckers don’t give two shits about charity. They’re just trying to raise twenty bucks so they can slap a flyer in front of their handlebars and use it to deflect any criticism about their asshole behavior.

Because seriously: a group that “works to make bicycling more accessible to women and female-identified people?” Are you fucking kidding me? Look I’m not gonna take on the feminists here because that’s basically committing blog suicide, but this lady has to be fucking with me. We live in a male oriented society. I’ll give you that. Men tend to make more money than women. That’s an injustice, it’s true. But you’re really gonna sit here and pretend that The Patriarchy is running around denying women access to bikes? How in the name of fuck does bicycling become a gender-based issue? I’ve been sitting here for fifteen minutes trying to find some sort (ANY sort) of psychotic justification for segregating bicyclists along gender lines, and my brains are starting to melt out of my fucking ears.

But let’s just set aside this looming invasion of sociopathic, gender-obsessed sexists for a moment (let me tell you, I never would have thought such a horrifying prospect would be merely a secondary concern) and focus on the real issue here: the “National Bike Summit” exists, it’s in about three weeks, and it’s happening right under my nose.

On the one hand, I can’t really do anything. I’ve always been an advocate of nonviolence. I refuse to sink to the bicyclists’ level, and I refuse to endorse anyone else doing so either. It’s our duty to prove that we are the civilized party here. But on the other hand I can’t just let this stand, right? I can’t just let this convention of crazies go off without a hitch, can I? I mean DC is already in a swamp. Add in the hot air billowing out of this self-congratulatory circlejerk of a summit and the entire city of DC may succumb to global warming decades ahead of schedule. I definitely don’t want an entire city sinking into the mud on my conscience. I’ll have to sleep on this one and come up with a game plan. Maybe I can get a press pass and conduct some interviews when they’re off their guard? “National Bike Summit: the Inside Story.” Might as well buy a frame for my Pulitzer Prize right now, because that baby is going up on the wall for sure.

(image source)

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Bicyclist Gets Viciously Attacked, But Nobody Wants To Help Her Because She’s A Fucking Bicyclist

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[ABC Action News] ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. – For the third time in a week, someone has reported being attacked on the Pinellas Trail in St. Petersburg.

This time it was a woman who was riding alone on Sunday morning near 24th St. S and 6th Ave. S. Covered in scrapes in bruises, the latest victim tells us she was robbed of her bike and thrown to the floor by a man who popped up out of nowhere with a crazy look in his eyes. She lost the struggle and then in a daze, tried looking for help.

“Another man came walking across the trail, looking at me and walked right by me,” she says as she was wandering bloody.

Eventually she did find some more people. 

“I went up to the fence and said, ‘will somebody please help me? I was just attacked.’ An older man looked at me, shook his head and walked away,” she tells us.

First things first. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: attacking bicyclists is not cool. There’s absolutely no need for us to sink to their level. Leave the unprovoked attacks and fits of violence to the bicyclists. They can’t help themselves. Those of us with fully functioning brains and higher reasoning abilities can. So let’s just take a step back and cut out this bullshit, alright?

But that said, it is just fucking PERFECT that this lady gets beaten bloody by some random attacker and everyone on her bike route is just like, oh, yeah, no, fuck you. They paint this like these people just walked on by and left her to die for no reason, but there’s no way that happened. I’d be willing to bet a good amount of money that this lady spent her day yelling at pedestrians to get out of the way. The dude who “walked right by” probably remembers her from five minutes ago when she almost ran him the fuck over. And as for this old man who shook his head and refused to help her? He’s probably not just some random douchebag. There’s a good chance this lady cruises her bike right through his garden or something every time she uses this trail.

So I’m not saying it’s right that she got attacked. It’s definitely not. And I’m not even saying it’s right to refuse to help her. All I’m saying is when you spend your time making life miserable for other people, you probably shouldn’t be all that surprised when they view your bloody face and stolen bicycle as karmic retribution. The universe has a way of making things right, say thank ya.

(image source)

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