When The Entire World Gets Ebola, You Can Just Go Ahead And Blame Bicyclists

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Wouldn’t it be great to be surprised by this news? Wouldn’t it be awesome to have your head so far in the sand that you could read this and be shocked? I guess I’m just a little too jaded for that. I just can’t help being a realist. I’ve met one too many bicyclists. Read one too many stories.

Because this is Bicyclist 101 right here: “Maybe I have Ebola, maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll infect the whole world and bring about the end of modern civilization, maybe I won’t. All I know is I want to ride my bicycle right fucking now, so that’s what I’m going to do.” I have to say, it must be nice. It must be nice to care so little about the rest of the world that you can drop all other concerns up to and including causing the goddamn apocalypse and just ride your bike around town. You can’t buy that sort of piece of mind. But apparently you can get it for free just by throwing on some spandex and hopping on a bicycle.

That’s just the way they are though. Apparently this woman is just going to ride around town sowing the seeds of Ebola like a pestilent Johnny Appleseed. You watch what happens. Just watch. Guaranteed the rest of the bicycling community will jump to her defense with pseudoscience about how “actually, cars are to blame here, because the air circulation system in a car serves as an effective incubator for the virus, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET RID OF CARS AND EBOLA WILL BE GONE FOREVER!” It’s gonna be great.

PS. Is it possible the End Times really are upon us? I have to admit I always thought the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would ride, well, horses. But then again the book of Revelation was written a long-ass time ago. Poor St. John probably had no idea what he was looking at. Probably saw the Rider of Death on her shiny metal bicycle and just went “ahh what the shit is that, fuck it, I’m on a deadline, just gonna call it a horse.”

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Looks Like Londoners Are Finally Starting To Fight Back Against The Bicyclist Scourge

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[Sevenoaks Chronicle] BIGGIN Hill villagers have rounded on cycling clubs this week with a public sign labelling them ‘lycra louts’.

Clubs travelling through the village have been slammed by villagers for ‘polluting’ the area with their route markers.

The notice which is stuck up close to Indian restaurant Shampan At The Spinning Wheel gives a strongly-worded warning to clubs not to use the plastic signs.

It states: “Cycling clubs: Do not attach arrows in this area they will be removed. Lycra louts are not welcome here! Blocking our roads and polluting our countryside with orange plastic signs.”

Lycra louts! Brilliant! Leave it to the Brits to come up with new and creative insults that the rest of us haven’t thought of yet. And of course they’re totally right. Get your fucking arrows off my telephone poles! You can’t just run around plastering your bicycle props all over town like you own the place. You know what we call that in the civilized world? Vandalism. That’s all you are, you pedalfucking douchebags. A bunch of goddamn vandals ruining the beautiful and picturesque landscape you profess to love so much.

It really is massively hypocritical. It’s like they don’t even stop to think about what they’re doing for a single second. Don’t sit here and tell me that you believe in bicycling because you want to save the environment, then staple a bunch of laminated paper arrows around town. We all know what happens. Eventually the staples fall out and everything falls down. Now you’ve got a bunch of non-biodegradable trash floating around town and a squirrel is choking to death on the staple. You bicyclists make me sick. Just wantonly killing small animals so you can tell the other members of your anarchist cabal to make a left turn instead of a right.

Typical, though. No real surprise. Bicyclists talk a big game about saving the earth but when it comes right down to it all they really care about is themselves. Sad thing is if they weren’t such a bunch of Luddite dickheads they might notice that their stupid paper arrows have been obsolete for about a decade now. Wake up morons, every phone has a GPS now. How about you take a break from your meth-fueled chipmunk murder spree and upgrade your fucking cell. Not holding my breath for that though. Not holding my breath at all.

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No Longer Content To Lock Their Bikes To Public Property, Bicyclists Are Now Locking People Out Of Their Own Homes

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[Hoboken 411] Entitled bicyclists in Hoboken don’t just ride the wrong way, or nearly run over pedestrians on the sidewalk. Nope. They also lock these fruity contraptions to the front of people’s homes – and prevent access to the gated areas, as one resident tried to reason with the moron by leaving a polite note:

“2nd Notice: Please do not park your bike here. It prevents access to the front gated area. If you have a problem, call my cell and we can discuss. Thanks. (Adams St. Resident)”

“Please” call my cell? So we can “discuss?” Fuck that! If that was my house, that lock would have been sawed off – and the sign would have said “FREE BIKE. PLEASE TAKE.” You can’t reason with these people. They’ll unknowingly step all over you. Grow a pair and take matters in your own hands.

This story was passed along to me by the good folks at Hoboken 411, a longtime friend of the blog. I have to say I think they hit the nail on the head. In fact, the only thing I take issue with here is the word “unknowingly.” Bicyclists may seem like an extremely dumb bunch. And they are! Mostly. But when it comes to things like this, they know exactly what they’re doing. You don’t just accidentally lock somebody’s front gate shut. That doesn’t happen. No, as usual bicyclists just want to watch the world burn. They’re a miserable bunch of miscreant anarchists no doubt driven near madness by the itching spandex constantly clinging to their skin.

And not to bury the lede here, but how about this pussy who had his front gate locked shut? “Oh, uh, hey, um, sorry, so sorry, um, um, um, if it’s okay with you, could you maybe, um, if it’s not too inconvenient, would you maybe mind, uh, not, you know, uh, chaining my front gate shut? If it’s, uh, if it’s okay with you, that is. If not that’s okay! I don’t ever need to get in or out of my house anyway. Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry.” Hoboken 411 knocks it out of the park there. Grow a pair of goddamn balls and hit that bike with a fucking sledgehammer. Your home is your castle. Learn to defend it.

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Typical Idiot Bicyclist Rides Right Past A Cop While Carrying All Of His Meth Cooking Ingredients

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Two months ago, a bicyclist carrying a bottle of Rooto household lye drain opener rode past a state police officer sitting in his unmarked car in an alley off of Kilgore Avenue.

That observation eventually led police to raid a methamphetamine lab on Wednesday at the apartment of the bicyclist, Richard Jason Lewis, 37, 710 W. Kilgore, Apt. 1.

Police seized a roll of vinyl tubing, cut straws, an empty container of Morton salt, stripped batteries, a plastic smoking device containing meth residue, six syringes, a pill grinder, numerous coffee filters containing white sludge, two metal spoons containing meth residue, a glass jar, a bottle cap with two holes, and sections of vinyl tubing.

Lewis told state police Trooper Nate Raney he had experimented with stuff but denied making meth.

Tough times when the best excuse you can come up with is that you tried to make meth, but never actually managed to do it. Not that it’s surprising to hear that a bicyclist failed at something. I mean, it’s such a believable excuse that I’m surprised the cop even bothered to arrest him. “Oh, you’re a bicyclist. Well nothing to worry about here then, this guy’s never going to be successful enough to actually DISTRIBUTE this stuff, we’ve got better things to do.” In fact, probably the worst case scenario here would be this guy blowing himself up, and is that even really a bad thing? One less meth head on the streets, and you can’t block traffic from the emergency room.

Listen, I know Breaking Bad made meth trendy and all, but not just anybody can cook it. Walter White was a chemistry genius who made the best meth on earth and it took him all of two years to have it all come crashing down around him. Do you really think the average bicyclist can do better than that? Just about the only thing this guy did right was not ride around with actual, fully cooked meth in his backpack like most of his spandex-clad brethren. No, he just rode right past a cop carrying all of his obvious meth ingredients right out in the open. Why not just wear a shirt that says GET YOUR METHAMPHETAMINES HERE at that point? He probably had a piece of paper in his pocket labeled “meth shopping list.” Come on man. Be better.

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Just A Typical Bicyclist Recording Upskirt Videos Of Women While Riding Around Manhattan

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[NBC New YorkPolice are seeking a man accused of recording a woman underneath her dress while he was riding a bicycle on the Upper East Side.

Police said the suspect approached the 19-year-old victim in front of 949 Third Ave. at about 1:30 p.m. on Thursday, Aug. 14, and placed a video camera underneath her dress while it was recording. 

The victim confronted the suspect, and he fled, police said. 

Obviously this is no shock. We already know that all bicyclists are basically savages, so their appalling behavior branching into the realm of sexual deviancy is only to be expected. But honestly, this guy seems to be a cut above even the average bicyclist’s level of stupidity. I mean, am I reading this right? Did he really get off his bicycle, put a camera on the ground, and then pretend like he didn’t just do that? That can’t possibly be what happened, can it? Nobody is that dumb, right?

I get a lot of emails from people (bicyclists) telling me that I’m too harsh. I get a lot of comments on blogs telling me that I’m way too over-the-top. But it’s stories like this one that make me thing maybe I’m not hard ENOUGH on bicyclists. I honestly thought I had set the bar as low as it could possibly be set, but along comes this guy and sets it even lower. Puts it on the ground right under my feet, as it were. I would almost respect this guy’s audacity if I didn’t hate his goddamn guts so much.

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Justin Bieber Is Apparently An Avid Bicyclist, Which I’m Pretty Sure Means The Argument Is Over And I Win

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[Bicycling.com] Notorious bad boy Justin Bieber looks to be turning a new page. After his probation meeting on Saturday, Biebs was spotted taking a brand-new bike out for a spin. Based on these Daily Mail photos, it appears to be a model from Retrospec, a Los Angeles-based company specializing in steel fixies.

The Liberty Voice reported that Bieber is turning a page after being sentenced to two years of probation for egging a car. He has embraced a healthier lifestyle, which includes cycling.

Bieber has been interested in bikes for quite some time. Last year, TMZ reported he stole a bike from a security guard at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas and rode it around the hallways. Unfortunately, his ride was cut short when the guard reclaimed the bicycle. If he was so set on getting in some indoor exercise, he should have just checked out our guide to trainer workouts

Well, well, well! The most notorious little shit on the planet earth has apparently thrown in his lot with the bicyclists! I can’t say I’m surprised. His whiney, entitled attitude will fit right in as he cruises down the middle of Hollywood Boulevard at 2 miles per hour. It’s perfect, when you think about it. Bieber’s personality fits so perfectly with the bicyclist persona that I almost can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together before.

And of course, I love how our friends at “Bicycling.com” just gloss right over the fact that Bieber stole somebody’s bicycle last year. Oh yeah, hail the Biebs as a hero for taking up your chosen vice, but blatantly ignore the fact that he does exactly the sort of thing that you’d crucify anyone else for. It’s to be expected though. Bicyclists are so desperate for any sort of attention that they’ll crawl in bed with pretty much anybody, even if it means embracing known bicycle thief and all-around reprehensible human being Justin Bieber. That’s just how it goes. Nothing to see here, folks.

h/t reader Steven

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The NYPD Is Confiscating Illegally Parked Bikes, And Believe It Or Not Bicyclists Are Not Happy About It

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[GawkerIf your lock gets cut and your bike disappears in midtown Manhattan, you should call the cops. Not because you need to report the crime—because there’s a good chance the cops stole the bike themselves.

I first heard about this practice from my friend Kevin Kenkel, an employee at New York’s Museum of Art and Design, who rides his bike from Williamsburg to his office in Midtown Manhattan nearly every weekday. When he went to retrieve it on the evening of September 4, it was gone.

The bike, which was locked to a street sign on Broadway between 58th Street and Columbus Circle, had been seized by the NYPD, but Kevin had no way of knowing that—the officer who’d taken it left no notice. A security guard at the museum suggested that Kevin check the police department’s Midtown North precinct, nearby on West 54th Street. He stopped by that evening, and it was there.

The police, it seems, are in the habit of clipping locks and confiscating ostensibly legally-parked bikes in the area. An officer on duty told Kevin that the bike renters who swarm Columbus Circle regularly steal bicycles, and that police will sometimes preemptively seize them as a preventative measure. “He explained that the bike guys are stealing and selling to tourists, and so the police, in order to crack down on that, are just removing any bicycle that’s locked to city property,” Kevin told me. “Any bike that’s not locked up to a bike rack. And there are no bike racks near my office.”

Hey Kevin, I’m no genius but it sure seems like maybe you should stop riding your fucking bike to work! This is pure, vintage bicyclist right here. Remember back in the day when you wanted to get something done? Like, say, have a bike rack installed outside your building? You might petition the city, or petition your office. It might be a little bit of work on your part, but hey, chaining your bike to city property is illegal, so it’s just the right thing to do. Remember those days? Remember them?

Well, they’re dead and gone, apparently. At least to bicyclists. After all, why try to do something that might actually address the problem you seem to be having when you could just whine about it to the media and get your 15 minutes of fame?

But of course, the larger point here is that bicyclists yet again show that they think they’re above the law. Sure, locking your bike to a parking meter is ILLEGAL, but surely that doesn’t mean the cops have the right to actually ENFORCE that law, does it? The constant state of incredulity associated with the bicyclist mindset is just unfathomable to normal people like you and me. “What right do the police have to enforce the law!” cry hordes of bicyclists, tears streaming down their faces as the rain beats down. “What right have they to take my bike! For I am of the immortal cabal of bicyclists to whom the laws of man apply not!”

In a way, I almost feel bad for them. When I was five years old, I saved up six whole dollars from my allowance. I was happy. I was proud. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. So I got myself a piece of paper and a green colored pencil and I drew myself some more dollars. I was rich. Rich! Until my mother sat down and explained to me that this is called “counterfeiting,” and the real world doesn’t quite work like that. I was devastated. I felt like a fool. I wept salty tears of dismay, the sort of tears one cries when they discover how the real world works for the first time.

This is what I imagine everyday life is like for bicyclists. One cruel discovery after another. When I read about a bicyclist getting arrested for biking under the influence, I truly believe that they have no idea that such a thing is illegal. When I read about one being busted for possession, I honestly don’t think they understand that it is not acceptable to carry a brick of cocaine around just because they’re on a bicycle.

The real world is a harsh place. I learned that when I was a small child, but the bicyclist mindset makes it clear that not everyone does. And unfortunately for bicyclists, this realization is very much like the chicken pox: if you miss out as a child, it’s going to be that much worse when it happens as an adult.

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