New Law In California Basically Makes It Illegal To Pass Bicyclists, And Surprise Surprise It’s Already Ruining Everything

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[Death and Taxes] California has a new law going into effect on September 16 known as the 3 Feet for Safety rule, which says that drivers must allow at least three feet of safe space around bikers at all times when passing them on the roads. If the requisite space isn’t available, drivers must slow down behind bikers and wait until they can pass when “no danger is present.”

The rule’s ambiguity is already bothering some who think assessing three feet of space while on the move will be difficult to enforce. By way of example, check out the video below—the car can clearly see cops behind him and doesn’t want to pass. He’s going to be there all day.

There’s nothing about this story that surprises me. It doesn’t surprise me that it’s those fucking nutbags out in California who thought this was a good idea. It doesn’t surprise me that it’s already causing the most absurd traffic jams I’ve ever seen. And it for SURE doesn’t shock me that bicyclists are already blatantly taking advantage of this dumbfuck law to sit in the middle of road going about a half mile per hour with a big fat helmet cam on their head so they can IMMEDIATELY report anyone who only leaves them 35 inches when passing.

Really, this is all about the same thing every bicyclist-related story is about: attention. That’s all they want. Watch that video up there. How easy would it be for that bicyclist to pull over to the side of the road for literally 30 seconds so the huge line of cars behind him can pass? The answer is TOO easy. But no, Timmy Tenspeed would rather just keep chugging along as slow as humanly possible, no doubt smugly smiling as he knows he’s imposing his selfish whims and desires on the scores of people at his mercy. It’s sickening. Absolutely sickening. But that’s who these people are. They’re the little dickheads who used to tattle on you for “being mean” if they were too slow to catch you playing tag.

This is what we’re reduced to in places like California, where those in charge would rather slow all of the traffic in the state down to a crawl than face the wrath of a couple pedal jockeys in leotards. Bicyclists can’t handle the high speed world we live in, so their only move is to bring the rest of us down to their speed. And the state government of California is only too happy to shackle our ankles and hand the bicyclists the key. For shame, California. For shame, America.

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My Best Friend Courtland Milloy Is At It Again With A Firsthand Account Of The Institutionalized Insanity Of DC Bicyclist Groups

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[Washington Post] After writing about how aggravating rude and reckless bicyclists can be for motorists like myself, I was invited by some bikers to see the road from their point of view. ….

And that’s my biggest problem with bikers on D.C. streets. Too many of them bike like me. They are clueless. Wouldn’t know a “cycle track” from an Amtrak. ….

“There is no minimum speed limit on D.C. streets,” Davis countered. Moreover, by her calculations, the city’s 25 mph limit downtown combined with congestion during “rush” hour would probably mean that a biker doing 2 mph would be the fastest thing on the street. Depressing but probably true. ….

While our group was lined up single-file in a bike lane, waiting at a light, I slow-rolled my bicycle from the middle of the line to the front. “We call that ‘shoaling,’ ” Davis informed me. “It’s not illegal, but it’s rude. Like people who cut in front of the grocery line because they have only one or two items.”

I get it. When a biker cuts into a line of bikers, it’s denounced as “shoaling,” but when a biker worms his way to the front of a line of cars waiting at a light, then meanders along without letting anybody pass, it’s a right.

I wish I could post the whole article for you to read. I highly recommend clicking over to the Washington Post to see my best friend Courtland Milloy offer DC bicyclists an olive branch only to beat them to death with it.

I’ve chosen some of my favorite quotes from the article, because I think they highlight just how insane the bicyclists in this country are. And keep in mind, Milloy rightly points out that his issues with bicyclists typically stem from the people like him–people who are inexperienced and don’t know the ins and outs of city biking. But these aren’t the people he’s talking to here. The people he’s dealing with are the ones who ride every day, the helmet-cam-wearing, spandex-clad, “it’s-my-right-to-block-traffic,” Princes and Princesses of the Yield Sign.

One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is go to the ‘conspiracy’ sections of sites like Reddit and observe how the nutjobs running around there police themselves. It’s always hilarious to look in on a thread titled “PROOF THE HOLOCAUST WAS A MYTH!!!” and see someone getting crushed for implying that 9/11 was an inside job. Their ability to hold one batshit insane thought in their mind while dismissing another as obviously ridiculous is a never-ending source of hilarity to me. And that’s kind of how I feel when I read about the little unwritten rules that bicyclists seem to have. Block traffic? Cut in front of cars? No worries. Roll to the front of a line of bicyclists? What are you, CRAZY? If this were baseball, he’d take a fastball to the chin.

I also particularly enjoyed the bit about how there’s no minimum speed limit in Washington, DC, because it’s just a perfect bicyclist fact. “Oh you have a problem with me going 1 MPH in the middle of the street? TOO BAD BRO, NOT ILLEGAL.” Congratulations, DC bicyclists. This is what you have been reduced to:

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Et Tu, New Belgium?

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Just another case of bicyclists casually infiltrating every facet of American life, I guess. I finish work for the day and reach for a nice cold beer to relax with, and what do I see? More vicious, pervasive bicyclists propaganda. National Bike Month? I guess there’s a month for everything now. And what is this “sign the pledge” bullshit? Why not just sign me up for the Hitler Youth while you’re at it? Typical bicyclists, always trying to get you to restrict your own freedom to adhere to their lifestyle. Well guess what New Belgium, I’m not signing your shitty pledge.

I guess this was really dumb on my part given that New Belgium brews a beer called Fat Tire that has a picture of a bicycle on it, but I guess it’s just my forgiving nature that caused me to overlook that fact. Wouldn’t be the first time it’s caused me grief. But that’s my problem, I’m just too softhearted. I won’t apologize for it.

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Idiot Bicyclist Flops Directly Into Lake Michigan

[Barstool SportsThat may have been the best 6 second clip I’ve ever watched. Just perfect. I know we quote the Will Ferrell clip all the time but it really does work here.

Ahhhhh, I’m biking, take a good picture, honey, IM DEAD!

What is there to say? We already know that bicyclists don’t think that the laws of man apply to them. Traffic laws, drug laws, alcohol laws…they think it’s perfectly okay to ignore all of them the minute they strap on their spandex and sit atop a bicycle. So is it REALLY any surprise that these dickheads don’t think the laws of physics apply to them either? I mean I’d love to talk to this guy immediately after this happened. I’d love to know what was going through his head. I guarantee you he is flat out shocked that his bike didn’t take off and hover gracefully over the waves. What the fuck is GRAVITY doing acting on him? He’s a bicyclist for fuck’s sake. They’re above shit like that.

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I’ve Always Known That Bicyclists Are Disgusting, Filth-Spewing Piss Monsters, And Now I Have Video Proof

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[DeadspinThis is a thing that distance bike riders do all the time, but rarely are we lucky enough to catch the magic that is the mid-race piss on camera.

The rider, Niki Terpstra from the Omega-Pharma Quick Step team, gets through his whiz with flawless technique. He hugs the side of the road so as to avoid blasting pee all over his fellow riders, keeps his stream steady and straight, and keeps his eyes on the road so as to avoid a urine-soaked crash.

Well this is just despicable. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I can’t. In fact I guess the only good part of this is that it’s in France instead of here in America. But I’m not foolish enough to believe that bicyclists in America aren’t doing the same damn thing. And they’re only getting bolder. Those of us with clear eyes and a modicum of foresight can see that it’s only a matter of time before bicyclists in America patrol the streets of every city in the country completely undaunted, exposed dongs flapping in the breeze like fleshy pirate flags, dousing our roadways with their vile nectar of anarchy in broad daylight. Is that the America you want your children to grow up in? It’s certainly not the America I dream of. But until these disgusting pedalheads can get their bodily functions under control, it’s the reality we all live in.

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Remember That WaPo Column I Wrote About Yesterday? DC Bicyclists Launched The Saddest Protest Ever Over It

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[DCist] If you thought that the Washington Post’s Courtland Milloy would never write a column where he equates cyclists to terrorists, insinuating that hitting them with a car is worth the $500 fine and no one would do anything about it, you thought wrong.

This afternoon, dozens of cyclists—along with a guest appearance from Council Chairman Phil Mendelson—gathered in front of the Post’s headquarters to protest Milloy’s column, entitled”Bicyclist bullies try to rule the road in D.C.,” to let him and his editors know that they are not, in fact bike terrorists.

There isn’t much to say here other than that this has to be the most pathetic protest I’ve ever seen. I mean I know bicyclists aren’t exactly the most organized bunch–sure, at times they’ve been able to come together to form themselves into roving bands of marauding assault-machines, but without the prospect of committing multiple felonies to entice them, they’re merely a disjointed rabble–but have a little pride, for god’s sake. If you’re going to organize a protest, try and make sure that more than six people show up, yeah? Protesting 101, really.

Of course, this just goes even FURTHER to confirm everything I’ve been saying. Sure, bicyclists can fill the comment section of a Washington Post article and sockpoppet their way to victory in an internet shouting match, but when it comes to real life, absolutely nobody likes them. They can kick and scream all they want but the fact remains that my friend Courtland Milloy had them dead to rights. Everything he wrote in that article was true, and everybody knows it. I mean apparently even the bicyclists know it, since their giant protest barely managed to attract enough people to block a sidewalk. Go ahead and protest with your construction paper signs and frowny faces, the rest of us will be over here being productive members of civilized society.

PS. Pretty telling that with all the bikes in that picture, there’s only one helmet. Basically confirms everything I’ve said about them being brain damaged.

PPS.

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This is pretty much the saddest doodle of a bicycle of all time, right? Come to think of it this might be the saddest sign of all time. Get this guy some Prozac before he jumps into the fucking Potomac already.

(image source)

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Did WaPo’s Courtland Milloy And I Just Become Best Friends?

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[Washington Post] I have to hand it to the bicyclists in the D.C. area. They’ve got more nerve than an L.A. biker gang. And some can be just as nasty.

They fight to have bike lanes routed throughout the city, some in front of churches where elderly parishioners used to park their cars. They slow-pedal those three-wheel rickshaws through downtown during rush hour, laughing at motorists who want them to get out of the way. ….

Actually, bike ninjas are much worse. They don’t just ride without lights at night. Or ride on sidewalks and go the wrong way in a bike lane. If you demand that he show common courtesy and obey the rules of the road, a biker just might spit on your car. Kick the door. Hit the side mirrors. Bang on the hood. And dare you to do anything about it.

It’s a $500 fine for a motorist to hit a bicyclist in the District, but some behaviors are so egregious that some drivers might think it’s worth paying the fine.

Bikers routinely worm their way to the front of a line of cars waiting at a red light. When the light turns green, they’ll poke along at a snail’s pace, holding up traffic while motorists wait for a chance to pass. Then they do the same thing at the next stop light.

This guy! Courtland Milloy, you beautiful bastard! I’ve been down on the Washington Post for some time now, but once in a while they step up and show they’re still capable of knocking one out of the park.

I feel like every other day my inbox gets filled to the brim with emailers accusing me of hate speech or calling me a monster or spewing any other manner of rage-fueled invectives and vitriol. Well guess what, fuckers? No more! I’ve got the WASHINGTON FUCKING POST on my side now!

This just proves what I’ve said from day one: all I’m doing is telling it like it is, and the feral bicyclist mobs can’t handle the truth. I’m not making up stories. I’m not inventing tall tales about bicyclists. I’m working with the material that this cabal of spandex warriors lays at my doorstep. I’m relaying what the average citizen sees on the streets every day. And to have Courtland Milloy confirm everything I’ve been saying (and in the paper of record in my hometown, no less!) is nothing short of complete vindication.

But before I do a victory lap, let’s just take a quick look at the comment section of the article, shall we? I’m sure the bicyclists in our nation’s capital took this in stride, right?

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oh

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oh i see

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wait what

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wait did i read a different article

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now ya’ll just being mean to old people

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well i guess i’ll wait

I highly recommend reading the entire comment section. It’s the perfect combination of people advocating banning all cars, people crying racism for no apparent reason, people hurling insults and threatening violence against the columnist, and people who haven’t even READ the article in question (no shock there, bicyclists have proven so consistently incapable of reading the four letters S T O P on brightly colored and clearly visible signs that it seems clear that most of them are illiterate). My favorites are the ones claiming that the article is inciting violence against bicyclists. Nowhere in this article is there any inciting of violence. And while we’re at it, nowhere on my site is there any inciting of violence. I’ve made it clear on MANY occasions that anyone perpetrating violence against bicyclists is no friend of mine. We’re better than that. We don’t sink to their level. And that’s what bicyclists don’t understand. They’re so busy calling for violence against motorists that they haven’t even noticed that those of us living in civilized society (which is admittedly outside the comprehension of the average bicyclists) haven’t responded in kind.

Obviously none of this is very surprising, as bicyclists as a group have proven to be an exceptionally violent and temperamental bunch. Any word against bicyclists is a threat to their psychotic amalgamation of fitness freaks, spurring them to immediately join together in a Voltron-like fusion of half-baked ideas and hate-fueled invectives. Courtland Milloy isn’t the first to suffer their wrath for speaking the truth, and he won’t be the last. Me? I just want him to know he has allies. Stand strong, my friend! Stand strong!

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