The NYPD Is Confiscating Illegally Parked Bikes, And Believe It Or Not Bicyclists Are Not Happy About It


[GawkerIf your lock gets cut and your bike disappears in midtown Manhattan, you should call the cops. Not because you need to report the crime—because there’s a good chance the cops stole the bike themselves.

I first heard about this practice from my friend Kevin Kenkel, an employee at New York’s Museum of Art and Design, who rides his bike from Williamsburg to his office in Midtown Manhattan nearly every weekday. When he went to retrieve it on the evening of September 4, it was gone.

The bike, which was locked to a street sign on Broadway between 58th Street and Columbus Circle, had been seized by the NYPD, but Kevin had no way of knowing that—the officer who’d taken it left no notice. A security guard at the museum suggested that Kevin check the police department’s Midtown North precinct, nearby on West 54th Street. He stopped by that evening, and it was there.

The police, it seems, are in the habit of clipping locks and confiscating ostensibly legally-parked bikes in the area. An officer on duty told Kevin that the bike renters who swarm Columbus Circle regularly steal bicycles, and that police will sometimes preemptively seize them as a preventative measure. “He explained that the bike guys are stealing and selling to tourists, and so the police, in order to crack down on that, are just removing any bicycle that’s locked to city property,” Kevin told me. “Any bike that’s not locked up to a bike rack. And there are no bike racks near my office.”

Hey Kevin, I’m no genius but it sure seems like maybe you should stop riding your fucking bike to work! This is pure, vintage bicyclist right here. Remember back in the day when you wanted to get something done? Like, say, have a bike rack installed outside your building? You might petition the city, or petition your office. It might be a little bit of work on your part, but hey, chaining your bike to city property is illegal, so it’s just the right thing to do. Remember those days? Remember them?

Well, they’re dead and gone, apparently. At least to bicyclists. After all, why try to do something that might actually address the problem you seem to be having when you could just whine about it to the media and get your 15 minutes of fame?

But of course, the larger point here is that bicyclists yet again show that they think they’re above the law. Sure, locking your bike to a parking meter is ILLEGAL, but surely that doesn’t mean the cops have the right to actually ENFORCE that law, does it? The constant state of incredulity associated with the bicyclist mindset is just unfathomable to normal people like you and me. “What right do the police have to enforce the law!” cry hordes of bicyclists, tears streaming down their faces as the rain beats down. “What right have they to take my bike! For I am of the immortal cabal of bicyclists to whom the laws of man apply not!”

In a way, I almost feel bad for them. When I was five years old, I saved up six whole dollars from my allowance. I was happy. I was proud. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. So I got myself a piece of paper and a green colored pencil and I drew myself some more dollars. I was rich. Rich! Until my mother sat down and explained to me that this is called “counterfeiting,” and the real world doesn’t quite work like that. I was devastated. I felt like a fool. I wept salty tears of dismay, the sort of tears one cries when they discover how the real world works for the first time.

This is what I imagine everyday life is like for bicyclists. One cruel discovery after another. When I read about a bicyclist getting arrested for biking under the influence, I truly believe that they have no idea that such a thing is illegal. When I read about one being busted for possession, I honestly don’t think they understand that it is not acceptable to carry a brick of cocaine around just because they’re on a bicycle.

The real world is a harsh place. I learned that when I was a small child, but the bicyclist mindset makes it clear that not everyone does. And unfortunately for bicyclists, this realization is very much like the chicken pox: if you miss out as a child, it’s going to be that much worse when it happens as an adult.

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Wanna See A Slapfight Between Two Professional Cyclists? Of Course You Do

[Deadspin] Man, if there was evidence that cyclists are not really ’bout that life, this incredibly weak slapfest between Ivan Rovny and Gianluca Brambilla during the 16th stage of the Vuelta a España is it. Are they swatting at flies or trying to hit each other?

I guess if their ultimate goal was to stay on their bikes and in the race, they succeeded, but not like that was going to matter. They were both booted from the tournament before the stage ended. If you’re going to get kicked out anyway, might as well connect a couple solid shots.

Never have these eyes seen anything that better sums up what it is to be a bicyclist. Just a couple of grown men slapping each other like six-year-old girls in the middle of a professional bike race. 

Just to be clear, this doesn’t shock me. I long for the days when professional cyclists were jammed so full of steroids that they could barely function. We never saw this sort of thing when Lance Armstrong was winning Tour de France after Tour de France. Why? Because he and every other bicyclist were pumped so full of testosterone that a disagreement like this would have resulted in someone getting run the fuck off the road. Professional cyclists today just live in a different world. There’s such an excess of estrogen floating around that I’m surprised this video didn’t end with them both in tears. 

So get used to this, bicyclists. The more you shun American Hero Lance Armstrong, the more these two slap-happy pussies become the face of your “sport.” 

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Six Bicyclists Are In The Hospital Because They Accidentally Drank Laundry Detergent Before A Race And No I Am Not Making That Up


[Deadspin] Six cyclists preparing to start a race in Østlendingen, Norway, were hospitalized today after they all drank laundry detergent, believing it to be some kind of sports drink. They are all fine, so it’s OK to laugh.

The town’s paper, the Østlendingen, reported that the detergent was a new product developed specifically for athletic apparel. The race organizers had even passed it out at a previous race without incident. “No one drank the samples,” the race’s bewildered press officer said.

“We also believe that it clearly appears that this is a detergent,” said the detergent parent company’s Head of Information Anne Gjemdal. “It is emphasized on the label on the front.”

When you were a kid, did your parents ever put those little child locks on the cabinets? You know the ones I’m talking about. Where you had to push down on a little knob to open the drawer? Sometimes people use them for pets, too. Anyway, the basic idea is that you put these on your drawers and cabinets so that the little ones can’t get into all the chemicals under the sink and drink them. The last thing in the world that you want to discover is your four-year-old passed out on the floor of the kitchen because he mistook the Formula 409 for a bottle of Gatorade. 

Well, I wouldn’t have thought that those kiddie locks would have too much utility once kids pass the age of six or seven, and yet here we are. Apparently we need to hold bicyclists’ hands not just through drug laws, traffic laws, and human decency, but also through common sense and basic reading comprehension. Maybe this explains why bicyclists never bother to stop at stop signs: they have no idea what those strange S T O P symbols actually mean. 

To look at things from another angle though, this little fiasco explains a lot. Someone handed these idiots a bottle of some unknown substance, and they just drank it down without ever bothering to find out what it was. Is it any wonder that steroids are such a problem in competitive cycling? Shit, everybody wants to jump on Lance Armstrong and call him a lying scumbag, but if these people are any sort of representative sample, the poor guy probably didn’t even know what he was taking! That’s the bicyclist way. If someone hands you a liquid, you DRINK that liquid, no questions asked. I’m on Lance Armstrong’s side now more than I ever was before. It was probably some rival team who gave Lance those steroids. Just handed him a big jug of steroid juice and walked away. No doubt Lance thought it was a delicious bottle of laundry detergent and drank it down. Typical bicyclists, trying to destroy an American hero. But you can’t put this one past me.

Posted in Professional Cyclists, Stupidity | Tagged | 1 Comment


[SB Nation] Yes. Yes, this will do nicely. Don’t worry, poor bicyclist, I’m sure this won’t end up everywhere and you can–



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New Law In California Basically Makes It Illegal To Pass Bicyclists, And Surprise Surprise It’s Already Ruining Everything

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[Death and Taxes] California has a new law going into effect on September 16 known as the 3 Feet for Safety rule, which says that drivers must allow at least three feet of safe space around bikers at all times when passing them on the roads. If the requisite space isn’t available, drivers must slow down behind bikers and wait until they can pass when “no danger is present.”

The rule’s ambiguity is already bothering some who think assessing three feet of space while on the move will be difficult to enforce. By way of example, check out the video below—the car can clearly see cops behind him and doesn’t want to pass. He’s going to be there all day.

There’s nothing about this story that surprises me. It doesn’t surprise me that it’s those fucking nutbags out in California who thought this was a good idea. It doesn’t surprise me that it’s already causing the most absurd traffic jams I’ve ever seen. And it for SURE doesn’t shock me that bicyclists are already blatantly taking advantage of this dumbfuck law to sit in the middle of road going about a half mile per hour with a big fat helmet cam on their head so they can IMMEDIATELY report anyone who only leaves them 35 inches when passing.

Really, this is all about the same thing every bicyclist-related story is about: attention. That’s all they want. Watch that video up there. How easy would it be for that bicyclist to pull over to the side of the road for literally 30 seconds so the huge line of cars behind him can pass? The answer is TOO easy. But no, Timmy Tenspeed would rather just keep chugging along as slow as humanly possible, no doubt smugly smiling as he knows he’s imposing his selfish whims and desires on the scores of people at his mercy. It’s sickening. Absolutely sickening. But that’s who these people are. They’re the little dickheads who used to tattle on you for “being mean” if they were too slow to catch you playing tag.

This is what we’re reduced to in places like California, where those in charge would rather slow all of the traffic in the state down to a crawl than face the wrath of a couple pedal jockeys in leotards. Bicyclists can’t handle the high speed world we live in, so their only move is to bring the rest of us down to their speed. And the state government of California is only too happy to shackle our ankles and hand the bicyclists the key. For shame, California. For shame, America.

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My Best Friend Courtland Milloy Is At It Again With A Firsthand Account Of The Institutionalized Insanity Of DC Bicyclist Groups

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[Washington Post] After writing about how aggravating rude and reckless bicyclists can be for motorists like myself, I was invited by some bikers to see the road from their point of view. ….

And that’s my biggest problem with bikers on D.C. streets. Too many of them bike like me. They are clueless. Wouldn’t know a “cycle track” from an Amtrak. ….

“There is no minimum speed limit on D.C. streets,” Davis countered. Moreover, by her calculations, the city’s 25 mph limit downtown combined with congestion during “rush” hour would probably mean that a biker doing 2 mph would be the fastest thing on the street. Depressing but probably true. ….

While our group was lined up single-file in a bike lane, waiting at a light, I slow-rolled my bicycle from the middle of the line to the front. “We call that ‘shoaling,’ ” Davis informed me. “It’s not illegal, but it’s rude. Like people who cut in front of the grocery line because they have only one or two items.”

I get it. When a biker cuts into a line of bikers, it’s denounced as “shoaling,” but when a biker worms his way to the front of a line of cars waiting at a light, then meanders along without letting anybody pass, it’s a right.

I wish I could post the whole article for you to read. I highly recommend clicking over to the Washington Post to see my best friend Courtland Milloy offer DC bicyclists an olive branch only to beat them to death with it.

I’ve chosen some of my favorite quotes from the article, because I think they highlight just how insane the bicyclists in this country are. And keep in mind, Milloy rightly points out that his issues with bicyclists typically stem from the people like him–people who are inexperienced and don’t know the ins and outs of city biking. But these aren’t the people he’s talking to here. The people he’s dealing with are the ones who ride every day, the helmet-cam-wearing, spandex-clad, “it’s-my-right-to-block-traffic,” Princes and Princesses of the Yield Sign.

One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is go to the ‘conspiracy’ sections of sites like Reddit and observe how the nutjobs running around there police themselves. It’s always hilarious to look in on a thread titled “PROOF THE HOLOCAUST WAS A MYTH!!!” and see someone getting crushed for implying that 9/11 was an inside job. Their ability to hold one batshit insane thought in their mind while dismissing another as obviously ridiculous is a never-ending source of hilarity to me. And that’s kind of how I feel when I read about the little unwritten rules that bicyclists seem to have. Block traffic? Cut in front of cars? No worries. Roll to the front of a line of bicyclists? What are you, CRAZY? If this were baseball, he’d take a fastball to the chin.

I also particularly enjoyed the bit about how there’s no minimum speed limit in Washington, DC, because it’s just a perfect bicyclist fact. “Oh you have a problem with me going 1 MPH in the middle of the street? TOO BAD BRO, NOT ILLEGAL.” Congratulations, DC bicyclists. This is what you have been reduced to:

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Et Tu, New Belgium?


Just another case of bicyclists casually infiltrating every facet of American life, I guess. I finish work for the day and reach for a nice cold beer to relax with, and what do I see? More vicious, pervasive bicyclists propaganda. National Bike Month? I guess there’s a month for everything now. And what is this “sign the pledge” bullshit? Why not just sign me up for the Hitler Youth while you’re at it? Typical bicyclists, always trying to get you to restrict your own freedom to adhere to their lifestyle. Well guess what New Belgium, I’m not signing your shitty pledge.

I guess this was really dumb on my part given that New Belgium brews a beer called Fat Tire that has a picture of a bicycle on it, but I guess it’s just my forgiving nature that caused me to overlook that fact. Wouldn’t be the first time it’s caused me grief. But that’s my problem, I’m just too softhearted. I won’t apologize for it.

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